Man Skills: How To Defeat Your Nemesis, A Look Back At Epic Man Victories

Every man has a nemesis. That one asshole who seems to be here only to make your life harder than it needs to be. Ultimately your job is to defeat them, and that is best done epic style. I am going to recount factual events and break them down with my man wisdom to instill upon you the necessary skill sets to beat your nemesis and reap all the glory.

Neo Vs. Agent Smith

How It Started

Neo just wanted to be a normal dude who drank a case of mountain dew and surfed porn all day. One night he is tricked in to taking pills by a big dude talking in circles (Note: I understand it typically starts like that) and wakes up in a pile of goo (Note: I also understand it typically ends up like that)

He is trained in kung fu and weapon craft, only to find out his new job is to run away from ultra bad ass government agent “Smith” who can punch through walls, dodge bullets, and accurately fire a desert eagle .50 with one hand.

Where It All Went Wrong

Just another example of how much an asshole Smith was to Neo

Smith was an asshole. Earlier on he kidnapped Neo and put a metal shrimp in Neos belly. Dude bros should not treat each other like that.

Smith later escalated by beating the shit out of Neos mentor, injecting him with some kind of retard medicine, and later still beating the shit out of Neo in the subway. If all this is not enough, he shot Neo in the chest with a Desert Eage .50, which amazingly Neo was able to take. Clearly it was on.

How He Won

First of all, Neo knew kung fu. For many years the only people who knew kung fu were 60 year old Chinese men and of course Elvis Presley. Learning kung fu is a good start for any dude bro to defeat their nemesis. Second he was able to dodge bullets, and later bested Smith by Stopping Bullets. Thats pretty damn cool if you ask me. In case you didn’t ask me I am telling you that is pretty damn cool. Forth, he embarrassed the shit out of Smith by fighting him with one hand behind his back. That is what I feel like I do to lesser dude brahs all the time.

Rocky Vs. Drago

How It All Started

Rocky was kicking it in his big house, playing with his kids, enjoying his awesome life, and chilling with his wife (and asshole brother in law). Ivan Drago was the soviet unions superman boxer who didn’t lift kettlebells but definitely knew the value of hypodermic needles. Ivan beat the shit out of all the Russians and knew the next logical move; travel to the USA to box super awesome champion Apollo Creed.

Where It All Went Wrong

Apollo fucked around and didn’t train for the fight. He did however practice his choreography and did a very entertaining dance routine pre-fight. Unfortunately Drgao did train for the fight and beat the ever living shit out of Apollo. Rocky hesitated to stop to the fight, and Apollo died.  Drago issued the second most awesome one liner ever “if he dies, he dies.”

Rocky gets really sad. In his heart, really sad in there. I get sad there on days that grippers do not test well, so I know exactly how he felt.

How He Won

First, Rocky understood better than anyone else the absolute power of a montage . A montage allows a dude bro to train 12 weeks worth of PRs in to 4 minutes, typically to an awesome rocking sound track. I use montages in my own training and I recommend you adopt the same practice.

Second, Rocky has been punched in the head by so many people that he is able to tire out his opponent by absorbing blow after blow for 14 rounds. In round 15 he unleashes hell and beats his opponent to a pulp. Now I do not advocate this to you, my dear man friend. You are most likely a lesser man compared to Rocky and getting punched in your head will not improve your life in the corporate world one bit. Punching other people shall remain on the table as a viable option…

Finally, Rocky trained his grip extensively (as witnessed in the epic montage) I have pointed this out many times, a strong grip is super useful. He used odd objects, chased chickens on frozen lakes, and climbed rope. How could he lose with that kind of epic manly training?

Big Ernie McCrackin Vs. Roy Munson

How it all started

Big Ernie was the nations top bowler, possibly the best bowler of all time. Roy was an up-coming star who mastered “the other sweat science” by throwing a ball in his backyard at old pins in a sand box his daddy built for him.  Roy Munson appeared to be the sure shot top doggie when he won the Odor Eaters Regional Championship Bowling Tournament…but Big Ernie would not be denied revenge.

Where it all went wrong

Ernie got the trusting Roy to agree to bowl for money and make some money on the side. The grift was perfect, the two pretended to get drunk and argue about the best way to spend his 500 dollar bonus he earned as a traveling vacuum salesman. Afterwards Roy would tear their asses up by picking up 7-10 splits.

As a side note, I have tested this traveling vacuum sales man grift in an effort to trick people in to foot races. It failed.

The dynamic pair was cleaning house, but one night things went tragically wrong when hot head Roy became arrogant after picking up yet another 7-10 split. Ernie tried to talk to sense in to hot head Roy, who wanted to fight the group whom they had scammed.

How He Won

Big Ernie Lied to Roy, after he poured sugar in Roy’s gas tank. Afterward Ernie Lied to Roy about the legality of underground bowling and betting. Ernie than Lied again which led Roy to believe it was time to throw down in the parking lot. Lying is a key way to defeat your nemesis. Big Ernie went on 19 years later to win even greater treasures in Los Vegas, lying from start to finish. Ponder this lesson deeply my young grasshoppers.

Dutch Vs. The Predator

How it all started

Dutch was on his way to South America to rescue some federal dude bros who got in to some steaming hot shit while battling guerrillas in the jungle. The Predator was on 2 week vacation from his corporate office during the hot season, on a quest to snatch some skulls and spinal cords from under dressed/over armed commandos. The stage was set for truly epic battle.

Where it all went wrong

Dutch and his posse of 1980′s action stars were careless during their search of the jungle; they disturbed the predators trophy rack of skinned green berets. There are three things a Predator hates, one of them is when people disturb their trophy racks. The other two you ask? Country music and and the feel of chalk on their skin.

The predator did a pretty good job of fucking up the all star cast of 1980′s action heroes- including killing Apollo Creed. Wait, I mean Carl Weathers and the governor of Minnesota.

Then things got twisted

How He Won

Dutch had an Indian on his team, and they are incredibly useful for both tracking animals and sensing the super natural. Dutch later used this Indian as a distraction for the predator which bought him something like an extra 10 seconds of running through the jungle. Sadly the Indian and Dutch already discovered that the predator would not kill them if they threw down the weapons, but for some reason the Indian decided it would be be best to fight a 7′ tall invisible alien who had a fucking plasma cannon with a machete.

And that my red skinned friends is why we took all your land…

Later Dutch built a bow and arrow, which the French used to decimate all of Europe for over 300 years in battle. The long bow allowed archers to fire at troops over 200 meters away, outclassing all swords and spears at the time. Certain death awaited the enemy of the long bow wielding arms on ancient battlefields.

The other advantage Dutch had was superior grip strength. You see, before Dutch was a commando he was also a 6 time Mr. Olympia body builder. He even deadlifted 705 at 220 lbs body weight, which is a pretty damn strong.

That works for you right? It sure does for me!

Patrick Bateman Vs. Paul Allen

How it all started

Patrick Bateman was your average vice president on wall street in the 1980′s. He enjoyed Huey Lewis and the News, cocaine, and the recently fangled technology of the VCR. Paul Allen was managing the Fischer account, and often confused Patrick for this dickhead Marcus Halbstrand, who even had the same barber as Patrick. Bateman of course had the slightly better haircut.

Where it all went wrong

A common mistake really.

Patrick was showing off his new awesome business card, bone white of course, to his yuppie buddies in the conference room. As the other dude bros started throwing down their cards, Patrick was struck with the idea of seeing Pauls card.

Paul’s card was magnificent.

At that exact moment, Patrick knew Paul had to die.

How He Won

Patrick tricked Paul by allowing Paul to think Patrick was Marcus (see big Ernie and Lying). After having too many drinks Paul agreed to join Patrick for some awesome 1980′s music tunes. Patrick rocks out some “Hip to be Square” and gets an ax.

Everything in this photo makes perfect sense to me, all that is missing is epic beard.

Do you know who else uses axes?

Men with beards; vikings, lumberjacks, and yours truly of course. I feel kin to Bateman as he wields an ax. Even though baby faced Bateman is lacking the critical beard, he still uses an ax like a man who knows the warm itch of an epic beard…

Patrick than killed Paul by putting the ax in his face several times, after which he celebrated with a victory cigar.

Afterwards of course he stashed Paul’s body in a beautiful over night bag from Jean Paul Gauthier, dumped it somewhere, faked a trip to Paris, and of course moved in to his apartment to murder more hookers. Just another evening in the life of a wall street yuppie…

Much gold can be mined here.

Tyler Durden Vs. Tyler Durden

Tyler Durden was so god damn bored with his life and his never ending insomnia that he decided it was best to spend every evening at support groups crying like a little bitch. His day job involved flying from city to city auditing car accidents and doing insurance adjustments. I bet most insurance adjusters feel just like him…

One day during a flight he meets an interesting man who has the exact same brief case.

Anyways

This picture really doesn't work for this article, I just really like the idea of a T Rex with a guitar. Like "I'm here to rock you out, then I am going to chase you and eat you...but at least you got to jam out first" That really works for me.

These two start an underground boxing support club, where other frustrated dip shits get to smash each others faces in for an hour to get stimulation in their otherwise walking dead lives.

Then things get awesome.

Where it all went wrong

Like most awesome dude bros, the pair was fractured by a chick interfering with their awesome boxing meetings.  Tyler said to get rid of her, but Tyler refused to do it.

In the meanwhile, the heroic duos ever growing squad of space monkeys start really fucking things up. All sorts of epic mischief and destruction.

Everything was going awesome, then it was not as awesome, then it got awesome again when Tyler Durden learns he is Tyler Durden

How He Won

Not many men have the man skills to truly fist fight themselves, but this where Tyler shined. He had been fighting himself for months.

Tyler had an epic brawl with his imaginary self in a parking lot, with a most comedic Bruce Lee style ass wupping scene. The stronger Tyler beat the weaker Tyler by throwing him down the stairs which is a proven method of ass wupping. I’ve also heard it is useful to make someone who talks too much shut the fuck up, which is precisely what I would like most people to do.

But weak Tyler was not done, because he realized the gun was in his hand. When all seems lost my fellow dude bro, you must understand the gun is in your hand. From there Tyler shoot himself in the face with a god damn hand gun, which is pretty fucking hardcore. Some of you out there would benefit from lesser Tyler’s example. In fact a few of you out there would do best to try this experiment out and shoot yourself in the face with a god damn hand gun because your use has expired.

Conclusion, for now

I have combed the history of awesome to bring you these true life accounts of ass kicking and true dude brah victory. I trust you know exactly what you need to do after reading this. In case you don’t I am going to tell you exactly what to do…in the next installment of this epic timeless manly heroic series of legendary man-skills and awesomeness.

Until next time- train your grip, test your movements, question everyone, and kick your nemesis’s ass from here to the moon with these life changing tales.