My 2011 Wish List

I’m a fairly simple man. I don’t ask for much from the world day to day.

This year I have only a few simple requests.

Number 1 priority: Some one please clone a T-Rex so I can hunt it!

Everything in your life would be seriously calmed down after a T Rex hunt.

I don’t know what the fucking hold up is on this one. Jurassic Park pretty much explained exactly how to do this, read the book scientists!

It’s easy! You find some amber with a bug in it, you suck the bugs guts out and take the dinosaur blood out, mix it with some frog DNA, and then BAM! Papa gets to hunt a T Rex.

Think about it, free range T Rex flank steaks, a fine T Rex leather coat and boots. A T Rex skull couch which I can kick back on and write from in comfort. A set of Steak knives made from T Rex Teeth.

So far there is no negatives to this plan. So my first request for 2011, someone clone a fucking dinosaur. Even a small one for now, just to let me know that the project is moving along.

#2 A Laser Gun

"Wait a minute, this is the future. Where are all the phaser guns?" Simon Phoenix

Weapons technology is what has moved human civilization along more than any other single pursuit. I feel like we have been backsliding in this area. The first gun powder based weapons date somewhere back to 1100 years ago with the Chinese, since then we have done a lot of awesome work furthering the use of chemical based/kinetic energy weapons.

But come on man, its 2011! We should have fucking laser guns and shit now! I don’t want to have a home intruder bleeding all over the place from a bullet hole, I want to evaporate that motherfucker with a blue flash.

So weapons companies; get one this for me. I know the public has all this pressure on your for less than lethal technology and more safety features. I would like to offer a counter view- Fuck that shit.

Get me some kind of pulse rifle or plasma launcher or ray gun. Need ideas on what I am looking for? Play some Turok and some Halo, you will get the drift pretty quickly.

Why this is so important to me? Most likely I am the best candidate of all super villains to defeat James Bond. My plan is precise. All I want is the laser gun to complete it. Hey Smith and Wesson are you with me?

#3 Some kind of robotic helper for work, chores, and hunting

Through out the 60′s, 70′s, 80′s, and 90′s film makers were certain robots would be doing a lot of shit for us in this century. What a disappointment to still be carrying my own garbage, fetching my own beers out of the fridge, and still be sending troops down range when a bad ass killing machine could do it for Big Red White and Blue!

I will settle for a Jetson’s style vacuum cleaner looking maid and a 5th element style bar tending robot for this year, but it really is time to get those T-800 models rolling out to Tehran.

#4 New Music albums from the following artists

• Metallica, Death Magnetic was incredible. Do that again.
• Slipknot, All hope is gone was incredible, do that again.
• Tool, 10 Thousand Days, yup do that again.
• Five Finger Death Punch, best concert I have been in to 3 years was when you played in a tiny little room in South Dakota in Feb 2010. Do that again.

I love heavy metal, and I need some more of the good stuff.

additionally for some other bands, I request you do not put out another album

• Linkin Park. Meteora was great, Minutes from Midnight was hot steaming garbage. The newest one was slightly worse. Please just take 2011 off, 2012 too.
• Any of the singers from American idol. Just take 2011 off. Its ok. Maybe a tour in Asia or a hardcore drug binge is in order. Just stay the fuck out of the recording studios. Please.

#5 No more science fiction movies until Hollywood fixes some big mistakes.

I saw Sky Line this year. What a steaming piece of shit. I have never been this disappointed in the theater in my whole life. Honestly it was perhaps the worst movie made in the last 5 years, maybe the worst sci-fi movie ever. My dislike for this movie is epic. Please do not get the people who made it any more money. The story is aliens invade LA, and use a blue light to snatch people in to a space ship. Its so wack.

Worst Movie of 2010!! To be foretold is to be forewarned

I do not know what has to happen to fix this, but something epically awesome must occur to balance out this terrible film. Maybe Batman 3?

#6 My Android working as it was advertised for even one week.

First, spare me the comments of how I should have got an Iphone. Dellanave tells me that shit all the time. I don’t need you joining him on that train.

My droid phone, apps work about 80% of the time. You know what my problem is with 80%? It’s not 100%.

I drop calls everywhere. The phone mutes calls at unexpected moments, I don’t notice right away and then people think I hung up on them.

My battery dies very fast. I have turned off a lot of the data feed stuff to slow this down, it has not helped.

GPS system, what a massive error to set it up where you can’t use the GPS and be on the phone at the same time. Big fail.

Overall I am far less impressed with this phone now that the “wow, I can check email, facebook, and my bank account from the phone” factor is worn off.

So here is what would be awesome, seven days with every application functioning as advertised. Phone functioning as advertised. That is all. Not optimal, just at average.

#7 Arm more citizens!

I read this on facebook, so awesome.

The following occurred after an older gentleman cruised through a stop sign and got pulled over by a local policeman. Fellow hands the cop his driver’s license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit…. Here’s how the conversation went:

“Okay, Mr. Smith,” the cop says, “I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Well then, better tell me what you got.”

Smith says, “Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There’s a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I’ve got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot.”

“Okay,” the cop says. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, back in the trunk, there’s an AR15 and a shotgun. That’s about it.”

“Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range…?”

“Nope.”

“Well then, what are you afraid of?”

“Not a damn thing …”

#8 More South Park!

South Park is the greatest show on Television. Season 14 was exceptional, and luckily for the creators there will no shortage of stupidity in the coming year to poke fun at.

Not only am I counting on more stupidity in 2011, I welcome it.

If the topic is stupid shit in 2011 you'll do great doll.

#9 More Man Skills and Brain Droppings Articles!

I suppose that is my responsibility to get that done. For now look back and learn how to fight great white sharks with chain saws. Its as solid of a plan as I have seen.

Afterwards I will share some my favorite parts of living in Minneapolis.

#10 More incidents of famous rappers going to prison

I really do enjoy rap. I particularly admire the narcissism and vanity of our current top rap stars, and of course the major LOLZ that occur when these ballers find themselves in prison. I don’t even have to hope for this one, I know it is only a matter of weeks before one of my favorite recording artists will be trading in their bentley and iced out wrist for gang latrines and 2100 hrs lights out. Why will it happen? Either a minor weed offense or a weapons violation. Come on dog, register your heater next time!

#10 More Comedy from interactions with other people

Pretty much every interaction I have with others has a comedy element. Does not matter if it was intentional.

“Oh you were in the Military?” Yup those ones are fun.

I am certain 2011 can bring me even more awesome conversations with other people. Conversations that will scar both of us. I don’t know why, but it is assured.

And now, to help you kick start your life towards bigger and better things, I want you read this article, How to make your life more awesome in every way.

#11 Get Industrial Strength Grip Vol 2 and Vol 3 finished

I’m a lot closer on this one compared to the laser guns or dinosaurs. I will be filming part 2 this month, part 3 no later than April.

Get Industrial Strength Grip vol 1 here.

Like I said at the beginning, I am a simple dude with simple wishes.