I’m not done.
#1 Your Kids plus screaming plus my ears plus my language plus their ears times public places divided by equally offensive reactions by both parties equals me laughing every time.
Alright. We have a problem. You are paying to eat out. I am paying to eat out. Freedom of speech means your screaming ass kids are technically welcome there, but that also means my colorful language is not only legal but in fact encouraged. I don’t know about your kid, but I invested approximately 31% of my life to support and defend the constitution of the United States against all enemies foreign and domestic. This means I will not be budged on my choice of words once you have crossed the 3 foot inside voice range with the screaming and crying.
So here is my offer. When you kid starts flipping the fuck out for no reason at a restaurant, take them outside. If you will do that, I will not turn and stare at you and say: “Excellent, a screaming fucking child and the parent of the year are sitting next to me. Now I can learn valuable parenting skills by observing how to neglect ones offspring in a public setting. Brafuckingvo Mom and Dad!”
Remember me? The creepy unabomber looking mother fucker? Yup. That’s the deal.
#2 Time, fitness, and why most people are kind of stupid with this math.
I will keep this short, read this post on Movement Minneapolis and see if you are doing 1% investment to reap 100% reward. Plain and simple, if not you are stupid. That is the greatest deal you will ever get in this life.
#3 Dogs – Far cooler than humans.
This is called a fact. Dogs are far cooler than humans. While a few humans do stand out in terms of raw cool, I find I like most peoples dogs 10X more than I like them. In fact it is likely that a cool human has an even cooler dog keeping them company. So lets all agree here- dogs are fucking cool. I acknowledge my dog is probably way cooler than I am.
#4 TV: Still a waste of time.
Lets return to the Movement Minneapolis blog again, same post I just linked. So 3 hours of fitness a week is far too much of an investment for most people, but 29 hours a week of TV a week is average for most Americans. That is 3 hours a day Monday through Friday (I will bet this is accurate, 7 PM to 10PM) plus another average of 6 hours on Saturday and 8 hours on Sunday. I am not too far off course to guess many people are spending 14 out of 48 during the weekends watching stupid fucking TV.
I kind of get the bored thing, but I do not see how watching TV replaces the boredom. I have friends who have 500 channels and I can never find shit to watch if I turn on the TV.
So, TV, still a waste of time. Go do anything with your life. Or don’t.
#5 Why I never erase my voice mail.
All of you who call me should have figured this out. I never ever erase or even check my voice mail. It all started a year ago. I used to check my voice mail every time I missed a call (which was often) and I would find I was spending 3X the time to listen to your voice mail compared to just calling you back to see what the fuck you wanted.
At some point my voice mail filled up. I didn’t check it for a week. Than I realized how much more effective it was to never have to fuck with it.
No shit right now my voice mail is full of calls from April and May. I know there are calls in there from Casey, Frankie, Jedd, Josh, Sean, Brad, Will, Dave (editor’s note: I don’t leave voicemails), and Brett. If any of them were important I am sure we talked soon after the call.
So I never check my voice mail, and now I don’t even think you can leave a voice mail. I still check text messages, but I am learning to get away from that too. One day I will not own a phone anymore. I am going to go all retro and demand everyone mail me hand written letters. You fuckers laugh now, but you will be writing me soon.
#6 All vampire movies, books, and stories suck ass, except Blade.
Vampires have always been lame, but the modern vampire craze takes the lame to new lows.
I suppose I will pick on the easy ones first. Twilight. Ladies here is the deal. If you know a guy who sparkles and won’t have sex with you, he is not a vampire, he is a homosexual.
All other vampire movies- you are so fucking lame. Except Blade, which features Wesley Snipes kicking ass and not talking much, and 30 Days of Night, which features real nasty rotting undead fucking vampires fucking everything up in Alaska.
Unbelievable I know, this is a cool vampire movie. Please note the coolest vampire movie is still lame compared to pretty much every thing else.
#7 Silence of the Lambs is the funniest movie ever.
It’s my favorite comedy. Period.
#8 Label reads: “No Trans Fat” yet your ass is still fat?
Is everyone taking crazy pills? Walk down the sweets and snacks aisle in the grocery story. Some of the bags of potato chips have “No Trans Fats” on the label. People pick up that bag, hold it next to the bag which does not read the same, and purchase the “No Trans Fat” bag.
Every now and again I will get real dumb and ask someone why they do that. They of course point at the “No Trans Fat” label and nod their head. Then I nod my head. Not because I agree, but because the exchange reduces my limited intelligence by some quantifiable amount and I have nothing to say at the moment.
YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG: Mens health "Cook This, Not That" plus bag of potato chips. Diet Fail
#9 I don’t lift kettlebells anymore.
Kind of true. I primary use my KBs for swings, snatches, pressing and rows. Now rows and pressing do not require a KB one bit. It’s mere convenience because I only have two plate loading loading dumbbell handles and I am lazy. I have snatched three times in the last 5 weeks. I now swing my plateau buster with 300-450 lbs instead of a KB. I don’t fuck with my long cycle because I am chasing some other lifts and I forget to test it.
Surely at some point I will return to this practice, but not for a while.
#10 Owning a World Record lift keeps me warm on cold nights.
Yeah thats true. 2″ Vertical Lift. 353 in training, 336 in competition. I will break this one by at least 5 more pounds. Never heard of it? Naturally. Still leaves me feeling happy inside.
My only advice for you is to take a lift YOU like, and go Full Retard with it. Don’t worry about anyone else.
#11 My Friends, they are all crazy.
You who you are. You guys are all fucking nuts. If you doubt that, consider that you associate with me. That has to mean something.
#12 Domestic beer sucks.
Miller and Bud. I hate you. I get stuck in situations where I have to fall back to drinking you, and I feel like shit the next day. Also paying 7 dollars for a 12 oz plastic cup of this piss at a concert is bullshit. I still do it, but I feel defeated every time it happens.
#13 Football season- No excuse for your lameness.
Oh boy oh boy. The game is on. Stop everything else. Time to finally get together with your buddies and drink a beer. Then its time to demonstrate your superior knowledge by hind sighting every play with how you would have run that team. Never mind you get beat by 11 years old playing Madden online, no brother, your coaching skills are top notch. And yes, call that running back a bum when he “only” gets 5 yards and misses the first down. Because of course your fat, weak ass would do so well if we suited you up and put you on the grid iron.
I respect football players, I do not share the same sensation for football fans.
#14 Holidays are coming- No excuse for fatness/laziness.
Naturally football season segues us to 2 solid months of sitting on our assess eating, and eating, and eating, and eating. Shit I have already turned down 5 dinners this week for holiday events and it’s the god damn 7th of November. How much do you guys think I need to eat? 2,000 calories or less a day, not 10,000.
If we have not spoken in 6 months, there is no need to call me for the holidays. You know what I am doing. I am autistic dude- I lift weights, I write on this blog, and train people. When I am not doing those three things I am thinking about doing those three things. If I was in to comic books or building model cars I would be fucked. No scratch that, I would build cars, blog about cars, and think about cars. I guess it would be basically the same thing as right now. Except I wouldn’t have freak show hands.
#15 More unimpressed with other personal trainers with each passing day.
General observation: you don’t know shit and your results are how I know that. I don’t need to be reminded of your education either because your business card has 30 letters on the front of it. You work your clients 10X harder then you will train yourself, assuming you even train. I am fucking disgusted with the raw number of “trainers” I have met here in the friendly Twin Cities who don’t even train themselves. I’m cool with you being big boned or whatever, but those of you with 40+ inch waists- who the fuck is paying you for training?
Your trainer should be someone who leads you by example first, not by a pointing finger covered in cookie batter.
First I blame the subjects in question, next I blame all of you who are doing money exchange with the guilty party
What about strength and conditioning? Shouldn’t your trainer be fit? Am I asking for too fucking much here? Runners your asses are not off the hook either. My buddy Sean Geddes is a triathlete in Portland. He knocks out one arm pull ups either arm and can do more muscle ups than I can do pull ups. That is strong. Just because you run does not mean you shouldn’t be strong.
On that note, strength coaches you are not excused. To be strong enough to squat the house, but out of breath when you walk up ten steps is broke. I have a limited vocabulary so it’s hard to pick the right word for this: so I will just use “Fucking Sad” to describe the current crop of guru strength coaches who can definitely squat bench and deadlift more than anyone who reads this page and also can’t tie their shoes without getting red faced and sweaty. Not impressive. You pull over 700 lbs, and you throw your back out picking up a TV remote because you move like shit. Bravo.
#16 More on the topic of dumb fitness equipment trends and fads.
TRX Unit. Holy shit, if I attach these straps to a pull up bar I can do push ups, rows, flys, and lunges with my foot in the little strap. Gymnastics rings – 70 bucks, TRX 189 to 240. Question, I am serious: is there anything you can’t do with rings that you can do with a TRX? The fitness anywhere hook is pretty solid, always a good day when fitness companies can play the “we sell to the United States Military” angle.
Now I see they sell a DVD with it, but what is really crazy is people are paying hundreds of dollars to go to TRX training certifications and events. “Man, I thought I had it all figured out with this push up thing, but now this TRX changes everything. I better go get certified!” The DVD makes sense, a whole day training event does not make sense.
Some one is emailing people with a commercial from Russia of a stick with two little sticks coming out of the sides of it. You are supposed to turn the little sticks in circles and this will make you a russian special operator. Or something like that. What is turbo retarded is 7 of you fuckers emailed me this week to show it to me, and suggested it would help with my steel bending. Question, will I get better at bending steel by doing what I do (that would be bend steel) or should I invest in this little stick thing? I bet I would break that damn thing first day. Specifics first for all things folks.
Whens Crossfit going to release a two day Hop Scotch coaches event? I am ready to get certified.
#17 Rappers and prison.
Thank gowd Lil Wayne was released from prison last week. Too bad TI is back in jail.
Lil Wayne is one of the greatest rappers ever, easily one of the best selling artists in world. Some how he got 8 months in prison for a weapons charge. Dumb Dumb Dumb.
Red- he knows what that is called.
Dude, give me millions of dollars and you wouldn’t be able to pin a murder on me (right OJ?) you certainly could not land my ass in jail over a gun.
I truly do not get it with rappers and prison. I can only fall back to you must be some of the dumbest fucking men on the planet to end up in the big house even though you have full security staffs, teams of recording label lawyers, and millions of fans who want you to keep talking real fast.
#18 Mix 1 protein drink shakes.
I get these at Whole Foods. They are awesome. I highly recommend them. I clean out the fridge there every 10 days and keep them in the back of my car. I never feel hungry and they all taste good. Start with the blue berry, it is delicious.
#19 This makes me laugh every single time I hear it
Anyways, it’s all just my opinion. I know everyone is doing the best they can. I am certain everyone is exceptionally pleased with me too 
Need more of my brain in your life?
{ 17 comments }
You left me a voice mail ten days ago. I still have it you fool. Otherwise, good post.
That’s my edit dumbass.
Quiet you. I actually haven’t left a voicemail for this weenie in over a year anyways.
I’m curious to see that Russian commercial, if at all possible
You left me a voice mail on the third and I would probably like your dog better than you.
Dumbarse rappers always getting into shit like that. And I like rap music a lot, some of my favourite rappers (like Ol Dirty Bastard) are/were terrible for that shit.
“Yeah, my album went double platinum and I’ve got more money than I know how to spend, but someone said I wasn’t ghetto so I’d better carry a personal gun, rather than just rely on my security staff…
Fuck, I’m locked up for that gun. Thank Christ now they’ll know that I’m ghetto while I get ass raped in prison.”
Oh yes, Brain droppings gets me laughing again. Thanks Adam. I’ve got kids, and I relate. Screaming kids or foul mouth bad ass, it’s an even trade. Screaming kids are a bit more obnoxious and rude than the colorful use of the english language. Voice mail and texts. Hope you don’t mind the text pictures of the new cool stuff I make. No one else cares, and I get excited when I come up with new toys!
Beer, once ya get a taste for the dark all other is at best tolerable.
More than fitness trends is the awesome marketing that gets people to buy rings and strings(TRX) for a premium price. I should take notes.
My hats off to people who take the time to train others. I don’t mean the meatheads who don’t train themselves or really care about others progress, I mean the people who actually train themselves and want to help others progress. I wouldn’t have the patience.
Keep letting your brain take a dump, Adam, it’s enjoyable and fun to read.
Always love the droppings Adam. Good stuff.
That faggot vampire Edward Cullen can’t even get an erection. Vampires don’t have blood circulating in their veins, remember? Oh wait, he can always think about Justin Bieber!
When going out to eat , they should have a separate room for a family with young kids.
Dogs RULE. Most all dogs are cool.
30 Days of Night , I thought, rocked. Finally a Vamp movie that is not a love story.
Yep, everyone you hang out with is nuts. Who wants to be normal anyway? Boring!
Dogs rule, and Juli is more than the Movement Minneapolis Mascot (3M).
I have rings and a TRX. Sure, you can do some things with the TRX since you can hook your feet into it, but not a ton of difference. I do like the TRX for traveling as it gives you a few more bodyweight options and is to set up. No, you don’t need a whole 2 day cert to figure it out. Set it up and pull or push the handles. Not too hard.
If others do not want to even bother training themselves, I say get the heck out of the industry. If you are not taking time to get better, you are getting worse and in the process giving everyone else a bad name. If you think it is a part time deal to make a bit of money now since you know everything because you just passed your 30 min online exam to be a trainers, get out NOW. Do something you are passionate about, don’t half ass it. If you want to get better and are serious then help us elevate the entire industry out of the stone age.
I had someone ask me once what I did and I told them. They were more impressed that I have a certification that they had never heard than that fact that I was finishing my PhD in the field, nevermind that I train myself. I did not know if I should laugh or cry. We have a long ways to go until trainers/coaches are a fully respected profession and are paid as such.
There is not much of a higher priority than health and fitness. Most take their health for granted and fitness is something they are thinking about. Time for action. This goes for those of you that take tons of certifications, but never do anything different. True knowledge requires action.
Rock on
Mike T Nelson PhD(c)
http://www.extremehumanperformance.com/home.php
Why the hell would you pay for voicemail and not use it? Are you a Russian stick twister?
because i don’t have to pay extra for voice mail, super phone packages have all included.
Agreed about the canines. I love my dogs more than anyone or anything (and yes they are cooler than me). Personally, I fucking hate humans.
I feel my blood pressure rise everytime I get in my vehicle due to rage supression. I constantly muse over why we aren’t issued one free murder card with our social security cards at birth.
I have a four year old phone I barely use. I don’t have cable. I don’t have a big screen. I don’t drive a “hot” car. I don’t have a status on some look-at-me social network. Guess what else I don’t have? Debt and an empty skull.
I train. I hike. I climb. I read. I cook. I travel. I make sorry ass attempts at playing bass guitar.
My possessions are limited to a beat up 4WD vehicle, ass tons of mountaineering/backpacking equipment, weapons that make no noise (and one that makes a lot of noise), a bass guitar, my king sized Tempurpedic and various hunks of iron.
Now if I could just eliminate the seven billion odd douchebags preventing me from attaining total bliss and happiness…
You are incorrect about the vampire stuff. Mainly, the Joe Pitt series by Charlie Huston is out of this world good. Pretty much all of his books are, but the Joe Pitt vampire series is really, really good. I think you’d dig them. Check your local library. They’re quick reads.
Colin, I don’t read much fiction. The majority of my reading is on my study material. My interest in allotting time for fiction reading for any vampire story is at a flat 0%. nothing in the immediate future will be changing that.
ATG please visit this website. It will change your mind. http://www.vampireromancebooks.com/