Man Skills: How to Kill A Grizzly Bear With One Finger, Guest Post By Gary Berenbroick

I called in some help with the man skills series, todays wisdom comes from Kettlebells4U Gary Berenbroick. – ATG

Do you want to be a real man? How about gaining an instant spot on the next space ship to the Predators’ hunting reserve?

Do This Right, And YOU Can Join Them!

To do this you gotta kill something and it better be big and dangerous. You also should do it in a way that nobody would think possible.

Squats won’t make you a man but killing a grizzly bear with one finger will.

First step is to find a grizzly bear. I can’t help you on that one. I grew up in Bergen County, New Jersey. We don’t got that shit up there. Open up a National Geographic or something and quit bothering me. I’m not doing everything for you. You find it, I’ll tell you to how to kill it.

Grizzly Bear With Chain Saw Power Up- The Only Bear Worth Hunting

You gotta gear up when you’re ready to go. We’ll divvy up the equipment into two categories.

“Grizzlies go nutz for this shit”

1. a blanket with a red and white checkerboard pattern – I said red and white, don’t screw around on this one

2. a picnic basket – bears love picnics

3. 15 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on white bread with the crusts cut off and cut in half diagonally – make sure you vacuum seal them
in a bag, keep ‘em in there until you’re ready

4. Utensils and plate settings for two – only two, if the bear sees more than two settings he may think it wont be worth the trouble and move on

5. a jar of raw honey from local bees – bears eat that shit up

6. A 20 oz can of ice cold Colt 45 – you will know what to do with this when the time comes

“The Oh Shit it didn’t work gear”

1. a pair of shoes that you are comfortable running and climbing in – I know you run barefoot, I run barefoot too and I run real barefoot not that sissy five fingers crap. We’re hunting a grizzly here, get smart and put on some shoes. I’d suggest some Chuck Taylors or Sambas. I don’t know what a Samba is but I’m pretty sure it’s and animal and sounds like a badass kill everything in sight animal. On second thought, just go with the Sambas.

2. A short range, medium caliber weapon with a high rate of fire – I’m deferring to Adam on this one, just cause I grew up in Copland doesn’t mean I know shit about weapons.

MG-42 it shall be

3. A shotgun – I don’t need to know much about guns to know that a shotgun would come in handy if things don’t go as planned.

4. a long range weapon with a scope, preferably strong enough to drop a grizzly with one shot. a dude I worked with had a fifty caliber rifle, from what he describe I’d have to guess it would be perfect for this.

5. a tripod for the .50, a drill and some bolts

6. A change of underwear – in case shit really goes wrong

Now that your geared up and know where you are going it’s time to make history.

Find a good spot with a flat rock that looks down on a valley. Get your tripod and bolt it to the rock. Holster your short range weapon, if that one has to come out you are probably going to be running so you want that shit close.

Take the shot gun with you as you go lay down the trap. Find a place that you can see well from your base without being seen from the picnic site.

Lay down the blanket. Set the silverware, plates and such. Do not open the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches until everything else is set. Open up that jar of honey and pour it all over the place. Put the cold can of Colt 45 in your pocket (it’ll still be cold it’s specially designed to stay cold until you need it), open up the PB&J sandwiches and haul ass back to your base.

If you get tempted to stop and eat some of those sandwiches pause and ask yourself a question, “does standing in a puddle of honey in grizzly bear country eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich sound like a good idea?” If your answer is yes then chow down. Roll around in the honey first. If you are that stupid this planet doesn’t need you and is probably better off without you.

When you get back to the camp set up your rifle and make sure it’s pointing towards the picnic site.

Wait. Don’t hit up the Colt 45 yet dumbass, last thing you want when you are about to kill a grizzly with one finger is to be a little slow witted. Actually, if you really feel compelled to do so, shotgun it and head down to the picnic blanket for lunch. Your brain just proved that you are expendable.

When the bear comes, chill. Don’t get crazy. Check your holstered weapon, make sure it’s loaded and the safety is off. Note where your shotgun is and visualize how you are going to get to it if your finger fails you. If your shotgun is back at the picnic site then walk on down there, roll around in the honey, shotgun the Colt 45 and have a few sandwiches with your new buddy. You. failed, you’re not needed anymore either.

As the bear is enjoying your sandwiches get a bead on him with the rifle. Line up the crosshairs right above the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches he’s stuffing in his face.

Warm up your index finger. It’s time for it to make you a man. Place it on the trigger of the rifle and squeeze.

Watch in the scope as the bear’s skull turns into a white, grey and red mist. Take your tall can of Colt 45 out of your pocket, sit down on the rock next to your rifle, open the can with that very same finger and savor your newfound manhood.

You just killed a grizzly with one finger. You are the fucking man.

- Gary Berenbroick

Smoky teaches all the forest animals to HATE MAN. Ever wonder why? He's a Pyromaniac and it's easier to blame us. He killed bambi's mom too. Ate her liver with a nice plate of green beans