How to Defeat James Bond, Ignore This At Your Own Peril!

This morning I had a very important business call concerning a critical topic.

I realized people have no plan to deal with James Bond in the event he’s planning on disabling your criminal mastermind organization.

So I write this to all would be super villains out there, pay attention! You guys keep fucking up but I am here to fix everything.

Dealing with James Bond.

007 is dangerous. He has high tech toys, drives awesome cars, and never misses when he pulls the trigger. He is well versed in all weapons of warfare as well as hand to hand combat. He will most likely sleep with your wife before he thwarts you, he will probably drink his favorite martini in your casino the evening before he kicks your ass. The guy is an excellent poker player, has a British accent, a really big reach back for help, and even knows how to fly planes. Honestly you’re in pretty bad shape if he’s after you.

Sounds unbeatable, I know.

You have a chance, because I will help you.

I have found his weakness.

I will share it with you.

Bond gets captured all the fucking time.

I have never heard of a spy who is captured so often. You would think they would have a school or something on how to avoid being caught. I guess this guy was hung over that day of class and decided to play hooky. Your “B” crew of goons will catch him at some point. It’s really kind of sad.

Now he always gets away. Always. But let us start with the premise that you can also catch him and you will be able to finish him off from there.

So here we go. Allow me to walk you through the engagement.

You’re up in the castle plotting while your goons are out patrolling the island. A radio call comes in that a small boat is found on the beach. In the boat they find a $6,000 tuxedo, a brick of C-4, a martini glass, and a used condom. Yes, that is Bond. Do not tell your goons “Some one is here” tell them “James Fucking Bond is here so quit fucking around and capture him.”

Next tell your damn goons to all jack a round right now. They are dumb, and they will wait to chamber a round right before they try to sneak up on him. Bond is wily and will hear them coming. If Bond hears them playing with their guns he will most likely judo chop one of them and sneak in wearing their clothes. You will be so pissed when that happens. Before you get huffy and puffy over weapons safety violations, I will remind you the pay checks are easier to sign if you lose two or three goons capturing Bond. You’re an evil genius you don’t have to honor that life insurance contract!

The stage has been set.

You sit tight, they will find him. They always do.

Now comes the critical moment.

Do not ask the goons to bring Bond to you.

Hold on, don’t leave yet. Sit back down and hear me out.

I know you feel a need to tell 007 this epic story of how awesome you are.

Don’t do it! If you want to tell a story I recommend you just film it for Youtube or something. I know you’re smart, but there all kind of ways to prove it. Maybe a spelling bee? Build a little ship in a bottle. Whatever, just don’t talk to Bond when they catch him.

Trust me, you do not want to talk to him face to face. He will escape if you do that.

You have been warned

Do not allow the goons to talk to Bond at all. This is so important. He will escape if you allow that.

Recall 007 is a charming smart mother fucker, he will be able to draw them in to conversation with little effort. if that happens you are done for.  If you are not crystal clear on this part of the plan you will pay dearly.

Here is an additional pearl of wisdom; only hire goons who are mute. Mutes make better goons on all fronts. Less talking when you are trying to concentrate, less grab assing at shift change, and a much lower probability of conversations with Bond. Plus there will be no need for extended cell phone calling plans if most of your goons are mute.

Ok back on track.

All you need to tell them is to shoot him in the fucking face right when they capture him. Lets get very specific here.

This is how you disarm Bond, gun shot wound to the face. Not just one, a whole magazine will be better. The bigger the caliber the better the result.

Now this has to be executed very clearly.

Your human relations department fucked up real bad when they hired your help.

Human relations is always out recruiting these weird guys with scars and strange habits. I get it gentlemen. You are weird and you want weird ass henchman who draw attention to your dysfunction. I am telling you guys, that is the wrong move.

See one of your goons was orphaned after Bond blew up that reactor in Russia. He grew up with a deep hate of Bond. This man found you in order to get the training to one day stand face to face with 007 and tell him a long drawn out story detailing how Bond ruined his life. He has an agenda all of his own. He will tell them who you are, what you are up to, what you will do after Bond is gone, what your weird hang up is…on and on. He will prepare an intricate revenge on Bond, who will listen to every word then will say something cute. Bond always has one liners armed and ready to fire. After 007 drops his one liner he will kill the goon and escape.

As this guy runs his mouth, 007 will recall he had a ball point pen full of nerve gas in his sleeve and will trick the goon in to signing a post card or something. He always has this little toys which are bad news bears for goons.

If he gets away you are so fucked.

THEY TALKED

Afterwards 007 will find you, he will beat you, and you will be yet another has been who could’ve taken over the world if you would have listened.

SO, shoot him in the face. No talking. No scaring him. No battle of wits. No traps. Nothing involving saws, lava, time machines, sharks, torture, or lasers. I know all that shit is very cool, but a simple 13 cent bullet is a better solution.

Just shoot Bond in the face (more than once too!) and complete the master plan.

I assure you it is that easy.

It will work, I am certain of this.