A while back I shared many life lessons of the 1980′s as told by film, and all of you shared with me some of your favorite lessons. I went back and crawled all the comments and stacked them in to one white hot burning mess of information. Try to handle this load of awesome in chunks, because too much too fast could result in your head exploding. That is a true story by the way.
Enjoy the awesome.
Road House: Dalton had 3 simple rules to bouncin’, the most pertinent being: “Be nice until it’s time not to be nice.”
Driving a monster truck through a car dealership is by far the flashiest way to scare a whole town.
If a man says “I used to fuck guys like you in prison” you must rip his throat out barehanded. It will work
If he is bigger than you, just break his knee
Predator – When doing a handshake, make sure to flex your biceps and have them oiled up. Hold handshake for 17 secs. In a perfect 1980′s action world, there is a quasi-arm wrestling match happening every second of every hour of everyday.
Chewing tobacco will make you a sexual tyrannosaurus, and a governor of a US State
If it bleeds, we can kill it
Mini-guns are awesome
An alien hunter with incredible technology can be foiled with mud and a big log.
Commando – When driving a car into pole, make sure to use your arm as brace against the steering wheel. You will not need to deploy an airbag. Just jump out of the car after for effect.
Army surplus stores have live rocket launchers
Over the Top – Regripping during any grueling confrontation will ensure success.
Turning a baseball hat backwards flips the switch to “BEASTMODE”
Breakin – Turbo and Ozone make the Rap Chop (Slap Chop parody)
Rocky Series – To maximize PR potential, make sure that you have an old white guy who drinks standing by you, a black guy that nods and says “no pain,” and your wife who smiles with excitement. You are allowed to exercise as much as you want as long you exercise to awesome 80′s music. Run up a mountain and yell “Dragoooooo” (WE’RE GONNA NEED A MONTAGE! MONTAGE!)
Rocky IV – Apollo Creed could magically make his boxing gloves disappear and reappear. Too bad he only revealed this trick once before being beaten to death.
Rocky was the world’s first cross fitter
Better Off Dead – Just pay the kid the two dollars to have him leave you alone.
TMNT – Pizza is good for you.
Aliens- If you put mechanical legs on a forklift you can pretty much kill anything
Spies Like Us– if you cheat on your CIA exam, you can get promoted and sent off to a far away land as a spy and then end up preventing WWIII. Lesson Learned — cheaters can win and get the girl too.
Fletch — When all else fails make sure you just start calling everyone “Doctor” .If that fails, tell them you are with the mattress police and you suspect that they removed their mattress tags.
Beverly Hills Cop – When you are in LA, just tell them you are a cop from Detroit and that this how you take care of business back home in the ghetto. If that does not work, put some bananas in their tail pipe
The Last Dragon- The glow isn’t in a belt buckle or a fortune cookie. It’s inside of you and you better find it quickly because some P-Funk reject maniac with shoulder pads wants to kill you.
Real Genius - When you need a bunch of popcorn fast all you need is a handul of misfits, a laser, a satellite and a house full of unpopped kernels.
Breakfast Club -Even the guy who kicked my ass on the bus has feelings. I should’ve have reached out to him. I just couldn’t because he wouldn’t stop hitting me.
You mess with the bull, you get the horns.
Friday the 13th - If you are a camp counselor at a lake, pay attention to your lifeguard duty. Two horny teenagers screw up and hundreds have died since.
Don’t piss off Mom, she’s usually more scary than her children.
Day of the Dead - Zombies are not good pets.
Say Anything - Just ask her out. Let her decide, not you.
Fright Night - Mind your own business. The neighbors you are spying on might be vampires and vampires are very private people.
Goonies - If going back guarantees failure but going forward looks impossible you might as well move forward.
Befriend powerful retards with candy bars, it pays off later.
Clash of the Titans - Medusas only has power when you look directly at her. Her reflection is safe.
When you hear, “release the Kracken”. RUN
Gremlins - When you buy an exotic pet from an obscure store, follow the directions for care. If the pet store owner gives you specific advice, be sure to heed it. Also, be sure you understand all the risks of pet ownership.
Big - If you hit a machine enough it will grant you anything you desire…even if it’s to be Tom Hanks.
They Live - Wrestlers can take more punishment in 5 minutes of fight scene than anyone else in action cinema. Also, Sunglasses really can be required.
“I’m here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I’m all out of gum”
Close Encounters of the Third Kind – Sometimes you need to loose your mind to see things clearly.
The best 3D terrain models are made from mashed potatoes
Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure- if you do manage to go back through time, remember to always do the things that you said you were going to do: otherwise it would be really awkward.
No matter what George Carlin will not steer you wrong.
Teen Wolf- Medical conditions can be performance enhancing.
While back hair is typically not considered sexy, total body hair is
Labyrinth- Be careful what you wish for.
David Bowe spends his free time as an evil glass ball juggling wizard
The Neverending Story- It may only be a story, but your reality is what you make it.
If you’re going to yell into a thunderstorm, make sure you enunciate.
Ferris Bueler’s Day Off- Everyone needs a vacation from their lives.
Yes you can outrun your parents getting home, so long as you stop to introduce yourself appropriately.
Putting a car in reverse with a brick on the gas will not reset the milage (very important!)
Space Camp- never tell your wishes to a computer or Robot. See also, Big.
The Last Starfighter- Video games can be a career, but people won’t believe you.
Ghostbusters- Academics can blow stuff up without having to pay back the city’s insurance.
Karate Kid 2- Be the man who will fight for her honour, then do so but don’t kill the other guy.
The method for success is always hidden in plain sight and takes roughly 2 seconds to master, luckily your opponent is always too incompetant to use it as well.
National Lampoons Vacation- Sometimes quality time with the parents can be interesting.
Home Alone- Sometimes quality time without parents can be interesting.
Airplane- Of course I’m serious, and Don’t call me Shirley.
Akira- Science and Human Performance can be a scary combination.
Highlander- It’s better to burn out than to fade away…and sometimes there really can only be one.
No matter what others tell you, the best way to defuse awkward social situations is beheadings with a big ass sword
Beetlejuice- Know when it’s showtime.
Be careful what you ask for
Blade Runner- As long as Atari still exists we can someday have flying cars.
Brewster’s Millions- You have to spend money to make money.
Breakin 2 & Grease 2- Don’t go see a sequel on opening night.
Lethal Weapon- Sometimes a change of scenery can make you forget that your wife just died and you live in a trailer down by the river…I mean ocean. Okay at least that part isn’t so bad, right? Oh why the hell do they always have to kill the girl?
Mad Max- Sometimes it’s appropriate to give a man a choice between death and sawing off his own leg which will kill him anyway.
The Great Muppet Caper- Always check what color your hands are before doing something.
The Naked Gun- Sometimes bumbling really is the only way to go through life.
An Officer and a Gentleman- sometimes going to the back seat of the car is the most appropriate location.
Pink Floyd’s The Wall- Never shave off your nipples, you’ll look weird and it will transform you into a maniacal dictator.
Repo Men- Watch out for things that glow that aren’t plugged in. Usually no good shall come from them.
Revenge of the Nerds- Geeks will eventually figure out how to do things using less energy. Learn from them early by befriending them, as they will make our pursuits more effective.
Robocop- Don’t give a robot that has the ability to think a gun if you can’t see where it keeps its brain. Also, never make a robot bulletproof: it won’t work out right.
If you are holding a hostage from said super cop, ensure victim is same height to avoid tragic testicle gunshot wound via the old shoot ‘em through the legs…
The Shining- Make sure you bring enough crazy to share.
Don’t shack up with Jack Nicholson for the winter
Star Trek II- The Wrath of Khan: Keep your enemies close, that way you don’t have to fight them again 15 years later when you’ve gained more than 30 lbs and have to work your way out of a jam by sacrificing your best friend. Also, live long and prosper.
Superman- real strength comes from within, and Lex Luthor doesn’t need hair…as long as it’s Gene Hackman’s hair.
Superman 2- See Star Trek II.
Top Secret!- Learn more than one German phrase.
UHF- Never choose what’s in the box, if you’re sure you’re getting old fish — Be happy with what you’re sure you have for you could wind up with nothing. (Stupid! You’re so Stupid!)
Willow- Don’t judge a man’s power by his size; one way or the other.
The Wizard- The Powerglove was a stupid idea, though it did make the Wii what it is today. Oh and don’t believe everything you see in a movie.
Young Guns- Be careful who you associate with: you could wind up on a trail to Mexico that nobody’s been down before…or was that Young Guns 2?
Xanadu- There is nothing valid to be learned by watching Xanadu.
Three O’Clock High- Don’t touch the new kid, and don’t initiate conversations in the bathroom.
Vision Quest- warm-ups are overrated. 10 seconds of jumping rope and rolling around on a mat are all that’s needed.
Revenge of the Ninja- only a ninja can stop a ninja
Evil Dead 2- If you’re forced to lop off your own hand after it gets possessed, replacing it with a chainsaw is by far the best option in order to kick zombie ass
Conan the Barbarian- All I need to do in order to become physically unstopable is to push the Wheel of Pain until I’m the sole survivor
Any Which Way you Can- Forget Rolling Thunder — the best way to build grip strength is to play a lot of raquetball
Pale Rider- there’s nothing like a good piece of hickory
Rainman- remember to clear your calendar — Wopner starts at 4:00
Die Hard- even if you negotiate million dollar deals for breakfast, don’t try to negotiate with terrorists
This is Spinal Tap- if your music isn’t loud enough, just write “11″ on the volume dial and crank it up — I wonder if this works the same way for 45 lb. plates…
As from last time, what would you add to the list?
{ 11 comments }
Escape from New York was good. It goes to show that a person doesn’t need two eyes to be effective.
David Bowie’s leotards also did a lot of ball juggling in Labyrinth.
They Live: “Formaldehyde face.” Least natural sounding insult of all time, except for this movie called 9 Dead where a bad guy says, “Go on! Do it, you dirty, revenge-seeking pussy.”
Nice one Josh! Watching Labyrinth as an adult I thought to myself “is that guy REALLY trying to show the whole world his family jewels!?”
No man should wear pants like that, especially not in a kids film!
I loved Labyrinth so much as a kid. Still do, in fact. In the spirit of that…
Labyrinth: “The way to a woman’s heart is to construct an elaborate maze, then hide her brother at the end of it. When she finds her way through your deathtraps, tell her, ‘I did it all for you!’ Women love that shit.”
Also; Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey : “Death is actually terrible at chess, despite being bound to practice it for eternity. A rudimentary knowledge of boardgames will ensure you immortality.”
And don’t forget to sing to her while she’s running on a sideways staircase.
Please make a life lesson post about video games too, Adam!
These are outstanding ! I sat here and laughed out load reading them.
Terminator- 1) Guys named Kyle are the shit! 2) There is still no such thing as a “Plasma Rifle in the 40 Watt range”
As soon as there are plasma rifles i am buying one
“Hey, just what you see, pal.”
3) To the ladies: If a strange guy comes up to you and uses the line, “Come with me if you want to live” do not be so quick to blow him off. The future of the human race may depend on you sleeping with him.
4) When attempting to defeat a murderous cybernetic organism, the “industrial press” will always test best.
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