This is about to get real, and it’s going to be ugly. Writing this piece has been a bit of a therapy for me. This is not for you, it’s for me. So expect more awesome grip and funny shit later this week, I take this as my time…
In the past I have talked about being stuck in bad states.
I also have written about psychological state management.
Now I will talk about fear, depression, and the fail of logic when dealing with these things.
…so for a long time I really did not think I was afraid of anything.
Spiders, snakes, dark woods, shitty ‘hoods, public rest rooms, dirty silver ware, in-coming mortar rounds: these things can be bad, but I do not fear them.
Common sense would tell me I am afraid of something, but I could not locate it.
Well I have recently found out what I am afraid of.
First let’s talk about fear a little bit.
It doesn’t matter what someone fears or why someone is afraid of something, because their perception of it impacts how they act (or react) towards it. To this end we can’t always address fear in a logical way. We try to logic our way around life, but that does not get us through fear every time because fear is tied in to more than thought process. We can say there is the reality of a situation, and there is the reality of your perception of the situation. The second one is vastly more important (to you) compared to the first.
So as I begin to tell you my story, here are the ground rules.
- Yes, I know this does not make sense.
- Yes, I know this should not freak me out.
- Yes, I know it will all “be ok”
- Yes, know these things will work out.
- Yes, I know other people who have gone through these situations, even worse situations. Important to note on this last bullet, just because someone else’s shit is more fucked than yours does not mean you feel better. If that worked I could just watch TV and see how shitty life is in Africa and automatically my life would be sunshine…yeah Africa sucks, yeah I am glad I am not there. Yeah I still think my problems are “real” problems, because they really cause me a problem.
So let’s be clear I have an accurate understanding of the above bullets. I still feel the fear, still feel the depression. I feel my stomach twist inside out. I can’t sleep. My mind is in a haze, but also crystal clear locked in and stuck on a single focus. It’s like looking through a peep hole in a skeleton key lock.
What has happened with this? I have been sliding deeper and deeper in a depression for 6 months. My perception of myself right now: I think I am no fun to be around. I feel I have lost my humor and charm because I rarely laugh. My energy levels are shit day to day. I have gone days without eating. My sleep schedule is a wreck. I lay in bed for hours staring at the ceiling thinking of ways to unfuck this (that’s a technical term by the way) and finally I feel like I have weighed down my friends.
Now, once again we can all logic our way through this. I can sit down and list ten reasons per bullet why this is, and how I can fix it by doing this or doing that. I am certain my friends would logically disagree with some of the above statements.
I have been told by medical experts some of this is associated (they said “caused” which is poor on them) by PTSD. They are looking at me logically. We can all agree most medical professionals are logical people.
I wouldn’t bring up a problem unless I was asking for help, or had a solution.
I don’t want your help, and I believe I have some tools which will help me. In time the tools will be better developed to help you if you need them.
The visible part of this is what I can perceive in myself day to day. I can judge this by my physical self, my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions. Couple all of those items and it currently equals a shit sandwich.
To start I feel like I lost my cool. Cool in both the popular usage of the word, and cool as in keeping one’s shit together under stress.
There are several pieces to cool in my opinion, and several break downs are occurring within these pieces
- Not giving a fuck is cool, as in when a person does things they want to do without worrying about what other people will say/do. The break down is when you stop giving a fuck to the point that you no longer care what happens, or does not happen in your life. I have slipped in to a point where I do not give a fuck and I am making errors, and often I don’t really care either way how it all turns out. This is self destructive behavior. This is the one I want to have turned around the fastest, because there is no way the below items will ever be resolved if I am not willing to make shit happen.
I can logic this problem and say “Fix it” but what comes out does not look like fixing it. Not yet at least. G.I.Joe was wrong-knowing is not half the battle, action is all of the battle. I am used to being an action guided dude. I am used to feeling an intense drive to make shit happen. I do not always pick the correct action, but I am used to making up my mind and doing something.
- Having a sense of humor is cool.
I can’t get my mind back on the funny side of things as of late. I do not think that is cool. Shitty sarcasm is not cool, particularly when it does not serve a purpose. I need less cynical bullshit (from myself) and more of funny business again.
- Not letting things phase you is cool
Lately I have been full of disinterest towards…everything but lifting and problems. I have always said training keeps me sane, and this has proven true. What is not cool is when your mind gets stuck on your problems. It is certainly not cool when a person gets locked on a given problem and will not look away. It’s time for me to look away, if only for a few minutes. Distractions are not the solution either.
I logic my way in to this and think “well then, don’t think about the problems and instead work on solutions” but that hasn’t worked much. Not yet.
- Confidence is cool
As all this shit spirals downward, I do not feel my confidence, and that shit is not cool. Confidence is the bedrock of a performer, a trainer, a marketer, a salesman. It’s literally spilling your own blood to give up your positive state. Logically I can say “You’re too hard on yourself right now, anyone else in your situation would have the same problems” but like I already said comparing how others would do or not do never really brings me to better.
So by now you must wonder, what has you all screwed up?
The following things can be considered my fear, and are all associated to the way I have been feeling and acting
- Purpose (specifically lacking a feeling of purpose)
- Money (specifically a lack of money)
- Business (specifically the direction I should go, associated to #1 and #2)
- Relationships in all spectrum’s (specifically how do I affect people and how do they affect me?)
I will break them down now.
Purpose. Here is a question which has plagued man from the beginning of our highly evolved brain “Why am I here and What am I supposed to do?”
Great question. Man has taken three paths to reach conclusions to this- being Science, Religion, and Philosophy.
I understand the scientific reason, I am not religious (because I am a scientist) and philosophy is just one of those things that is fringe between the other two.
I am trying to figure out what the hell I am supposed to be doing with my life. I guess everyone else is too. I have had times in my life where I felt great purpose, and times when I felt only minor purpose. My current problem is a lack of clear purpose for my here and now. Logically that does not make sense, because I have some problems I should be getting on top of. The issue is associated to not giving a fuck, which acts like lead in my boots when I am acting to fix shit.
I need to find a god damn purpose for my life. Not feeling a purpose leaves me feeling the fear. I hate it.
Technically I have a purpose, I know what I am supposed to do. It is the lack of feeling of purpose.
The logic – build the business, help people, develop my trainers, make my products, break these records, PR everyday
The feeling- Why?
Unacceptable.
Money: Money is a means to an end. Money gives you time and the ability to do things you want to do. Money is not the root of all evil; evil does not exist in my belief systems. Money is associated to some negative behavior in man, but it is also associated to positive shit as well. Making money is not my life goal, but having money must be a part of my life in order to reach my goals.
Not having the money you need is like not having air when you are under water. If you need air it does not matter if you’re one inch under water or 100 feet, you need it and its not there. Money is like that. It does not matter if you owe someone 20 dollars or 20 million dollars- not having it is not having it.
I have made huge changes this year in both my personal and professional life. Prior to this year I never really stressed money, for a lot of reasons. One of the prime associations was being in the service meant I had the shit i needed- food, shelter, medical attention, ect. It was also “relatively easy” to not stress over money when I worked long shifts and loads of hours. Hard to be out spending money when all you do is work and sleep. An automatic paycheck every two weeks no matter what made things simple.
So now, I have to change my game. I know many of you out there are struggling to make ends meet. I am not complaining to you, I am saying I feel what you feel and I know something about your stress. Every person deals with shit differently. I can’t stand to owe someone money. I hate to be late paying a bill. It fucks me up to miss paying something that I knew was due. So I get stressed out when I am accounting my budget and trying to project out several months at a time.
This was all a choice in some ways for me. Many things happened which left me with no choice particularly concerning my Military career. That shit was making me worse. I choose to get out there an learn to build a business, not just run a self employed job but to really build a true business. I knew it would be a challenge. What I did not expect was how I would feel as the problems would come up. This is the part that is interesting. Everyone who builds a business knows you will have some troubles, but no one will know for certain how they will react to the problems until they hit.
I thought this shit would not phase me. I was wrong.
Logically I can say “chill the fuck out. Get a second job (which I did), make more DVDs (which I am doing), train more clients (which I am doing) spend less money (which I am doing) and get it sorted out” yet still I am all fucked up over money right now.
Something valuable I have pulled from this part “Education does not equal understanding” “Understanding does not equal knowing” “knowing is not equal to experience, until you have experienced it to know“
I compare it to childbirth. I “understand” that is a huge life changing experience for a woman. I “know” it hurts. But I will never know (naturally no man does).
Business: I am going to let you in on a secret…lean in closer. I do not like being a personal trainer. Hold on, hear me out.
I like to help people achieve their goals. I like to see people build a better body. I like to resolve pain issues. I like to build peoples confidence. I like to get paid to do these things.
But this is not my best hand I can play. I feel there is some greater calling for me, and not knowing it drives me mad (see issues #1)
I want to clear this up – I don’t think I deserve to be a rockstar or a movie star or some other kind of teen day dream shit. I am saying my mind and skill sets are stacked in way that no matter how good I am here in the fitness industry, this is still not my strongest suite.
I can see myself training people for the next few years, but not for the next 30 or 40. In fact, the idea of chasing the fitness industry as it chases it’s tail for 30 years makes me want to throw up in my mouth.
I WILL provide the most relevant training information. I WILL produce the best DVDs. I want to deliver people the education to reach their goals. At some point I will hit a point where I can honestly say “this is the best I have to offer” and from there it would all be coasting and slow motion. What would I do then? I’m not going to keep updating DVDs and Books every 5 years or try to run a workshop annual schedule just to say afloat, because I want to do more than float. I NEED to swim.
So right now, I do not know. I need to build a business that makes money, that allows me to employ the right people. I need to be able to change things as I see fit within it. I need to drive it. Logically I say “ok asshole, so do that” but I am missing some steps.
Relationships: Possibly one of the most useful questions in the world is this “Does this person make me better or worse?”
- If they make you better, do you make them better?
- If they make you worse, what will you do about that?
I had some people making me a lot worse, they are no longer in my life. Many of these people did not choose to make me worse, but it happened.
I have some people making me better, but I question my impact on them. In the same vein, I would not choose to make them worse. But it could be happening. Right now. If I am not vigilant to my state and my interactions.
Frankie shared a quote with me a long time ago “Not all good people get along, but all great people do”
I find that quote helpful and disturbing. I know a lot of good people, but damn we don’t get along. I only know a few great people, and we are tight.
I am not out meeting great people day to day. I am out meeting people who are no good for me to be around.
Or is it me?
Usually I would say it is everyone else, and naturally I would be right.
Recently however, I believe I am no longer qualified to make that call. Being in a depressed “I don’t give a fuck mode” leaves me out of the bucket to decide who is good and who is not. Specifically do they affect me and how do I affect them?
- Here is what I do not want to happen to other people- I don’t want to make them worse. Simple goal.
- Here is what I do not want others to do to me- don’t make me worse. Simple request.
So this is a problem for me. Not a problem like the money or the purpose, but a problem none the less. I understand how destructive one person can be to another persons state: directly and indirectly. My actions, or in actions can have serious impact on the people who are around me.
So I get the fear as I look at the people around me. Since when do I worry about other people? Since recently, and I do not like it.
Thus far I have made statements and asked questions. And that is where this ends for now. I can’t give you any answers yet because I need the current answers to form new and better questions.
People say some silly shit about me, some people only see my strengths, others only my weakness. They fail to see the connection between my greatest strength and my most vulnerable weakness: I move in straight lines at fast speeds.
Lately, I have felt like I have been moving in slow spirals, and that fucking scares me.
This is part I. In part two I am going to tell you what is helping.
Sometimes the only question a person needs to ask is “Better or Worse?”
I just need better right now, to any degree of intensity.
ATG
{ 27 comments }
My 2 cents.
1) Try to get rid of cynicism and/or sarcasm in your life. Every time you are about to say something cynical/derogatory/sarcastic about someone or something, try to stop.
2) Add structure. Leaving the military has messed up your inner sense of structure. Find a task or an outside vocation that requires daily structure and daily commitment. This might be a new hobby, a new job, or getting a dog and being responsible for it.
There is nothing wrong with pursuing an activity now that you can’t imagine doing for the next 30 years. Do it with all your might now, and in a few years you will find something else that you are passionate about.
I appreciate this one, especially.
Thank you for your candor, as always. Thank you for your sharing your journey with us. You are a strong leader, in all senses of those words, and one of your strengths is that you are able to recognize when you’re in a state that needs work and attention. The spirals may be temporary, but if they aren’t you are adaptable.You are very adaptable.
Adam,
I know you said you don’t need (or want) feedback regarding what you wrote. But you spilled your guts and I’m really moved by what you wrote. I would never have guessed that you felt any kind of depression – or at least not to the degree that you’re talking about. In that case, I’m one of those people who only sees your strengths. In reality that’s possibly as bad and short-sighted as the people who only see your weaknesses. Although to be fair I’d wager you have far more strengths than weaknesses so that might be why most of us just see the obvious strengths because they overshadow the weaknesses.
I talked to you on the phone yesterday while you were at the airport. You didn’t have to chat with me but you did. I knew you were busy because I could hear the background chatter. But you still managed to make me feel like it was just me and you talking and no background noise. Only my training mattered. You asked about my training before I could even ask how you were doing. That’s quite remarkable but it didn’t surprise me since you and I have corresponded before. Others that badmouth you would probably be embarrassed within 5 minutes of talking to you in person or on the phone when they found out what a solid guy you are.
I believe you genuinely like helping people. If you’re beating yourself up internally for charging for the information and hands-on training that you provide you shouldn’t. I consider you to be generous in several ways. Generous doesn’t always mean giving something away for free – although I know that you have given away some DVDs at times and that’s extremely generous. Sometimes it can mean making a product available to a lot of people at a price that is consistent with the results or benefits it provides to the user/buyer. I’d say you’re providing exactly that with your training and Grip And Rip 2.1 DVD, etc.
So I’m not posting this to stroke your ego or coddle you. You’d see right through that I’m sure. Just letting you know that you genuinely touch people’s lives and influence them without necessarily meeting them in person or being in the same room with them. Sometimes those closest to you are farthest away, right? I hope you work through your depression and I really feel that your business is going to take off enough for you to sock some money away in investments or towards the field that you eventually decide is right for you. What I have thought for the past year is that you would eventually make the move to motivational speaking of some kind. Not religious-based since you’re not a religious guy, but some form of motivational speaking. If you think about it, you already do motivational speaking each time you meet with a client. I’ve had a few clients and it sometimes can be said that we’re glorified cheerleaders. Cheerleaders who sometimes make our clients go through pain, suffering, and other general discomforts. All in the name of becoming bigger, stronger, faster, whatever.
You’ve got way too much to offer the world to hole up and disappear. Things will come together for you and you’ll no doubt reach any goal you set for yourself. Just like with all your physical goals.
Enough typing. I’ve got to watch some of your biofeedback videos since you said I ought to be using the biofeedback methods in my Highland Games training! I’ve seen some of them but I’ll be adding them to favorites to watch them more closely. Will let you know the results. Also added something about you on my blog before I read your post on your blog…your ears might’ve been burning – but in a good way I hope.
Take care man. You’re not alone if you ever need to talk.
Ben
Here’s that link for those interested:
http://goalorientedtraining.wordpress.com/2010/08/31/talked-to-adam-glass-today/
I will agree with you on this: your friends and the people around you will highly disagree with your outter appearance and interractions. I’m not around you more than some but still more than most, and I don’t see it. Again, that’s on the outside.
I’ll also keep any “suggestions” to myself as you asked because when I was going through some shit, nothing anybody said, no matter who they were, helped.
I will say thanks for writing this though. It’s definitely a “right” step in keeping your sanity and figuring shit out.
See you soon, brother.
Be strong my friend. It will pass. Time does heal wounds. If you would like to Rant or bitch… email me
It’s tough building something and waiting for the rewards, these times of question make the rewards much sweeter when they come. In the meantime smile and laugh more, my brother!
I’m here if ya need anything.
(My first response was going to be smile you awnry bastard.) But instead I wrote the above.:)
Don’t shortchange yourself – you make a lot of people feel better, Adam. No need to test that – it just is.
This is good stuff, Adam – though it doesn’t feel that way. You’re finding out some things about yourself – beautiful. I won’t give you any advice except your own – don’t try to be perfect – do it your way. So, just as you deadlift roundbacked, say, it may be that you live your life with a certain psychological ‘shape’. This is much stronger that twisting yourself into another shape. All the best.
(Oh, hell, I can’t help it – a suggestion: when you’re ready, write a book; not an ebook, not a collection of posts, but a book about life, warts and all.)
Shit man, talk about an epic emotional nuke you dropped there!
I think everyone goes through some sort of depressive period at some point in their life, what matters is that you just accept its normal and deal with your shit on your own terms. I went through a bad period in my late teens, I had all sorts of advice from people that didn’t understand my shit and it didn’t help one bit. Depression is your mind signalling that some shit just ain’t right, some people just wallow in their own self pity and never sort themselves out others dig deep and work hard to find out what the hell is wrong and deal with their problems.
You will sort this shit out, because that’s the kind of guy you are!
Also, when you decide to quit training people and take up hunting Rex’s, become a crab boat fisherman or something else equally awesome, gimme a call because I could do with a new career myself at some point as I’m definitely not working the office life till I retire!
Wow, thanks for the insight Adam. Kris was right, epic emotional nuke for sure.
I can say flat out that I am MUCH better for knowing you, never a question.
I remember Frankie talking about the balance between novelty and ritual and I always liked that.
This line sums it up best
“They fail to see the connection between my greatest strength and my most vulnerable weakness: I move in straight lines at fast speeds.”
Well said.
Seth Godin talks about “the dip” When you start something new, it goes well, you make progress and all is great. Then the dip comes. Progress slows and even drops, but effort is still going up though. This is the dip before results spike up again. I agree with his conclusion that quitting is fine, just don’t quit in the dip. Know that it is coming and either quit before , but not during it. Once you make it through, results are very very high for minimal effort.
http://sethgodin.typepad.com/the_dip/
I personally find that at times I just have to get away and do something completely different before I lose my mind entirely. I was recently up for 38 hours in a row to get a dissertation revision turned in on time. Good thing the wind came up the next 2 days so I kiteboarding both days and did not touch a computer or email. I felt so much better.
I think periods of great mental stress need to be balance by periods of very novel movement.
You know if there is ever anything you need from me just ask and consider it done.
Rock on
Mike T Nelson PhD(c)
http://www.ExtremeHumanPerformance.com
People have two main components, a body and a mind.
Yes, they’re intimately connected, but to not actively train/develop the mind is neglect.
I’m not talking about doing brain teasers and crossword puzzles every day… I’m talking about mental clarity, insight, and increasing your stress thresholds. Overcoming ingrained behaviours/behaviour patterns is a big part of this. I can speak from experience on this, I’ve seen friends blown up and dismembered, waited countless hours driving down the road for the sickening “crack” of a mine/IED.
There are many tools out there to work on this. NLP, meditation, BWE (brainwave entrainment), EFT, and a bunch of other wazoo shit. Most of it really is wazoo shit geared towards people that seriously need help, but some of it is incredibly useful.
I have no idea what you’ve used in the past to work on this but I’ve found many of these tools very helpful, not just for getting thru slumps but for actively expanding your capabilities. The hardest part is sifting thru all of the BS out there, which is about 90% of what pops up on a google search for these terms.
Check out the Holosync program @ centerpointe.com, I’ve had the most progress with this one.
Hope this helps
“Fear is the Mind Killer” (Children of the Dune, 2003)
I offer no advice, just personal experience.
Approach to “Purpose”
To find “purpose”, where am I useful, what end do I want to achieve, what intention does my life offer?
1. From a religious point of view the end wanted a soul in “Heaven”, how does one get to “Heaven”?
Answer: Help People
2. The Philosophical approach- The quest for internal harmony, how do I get there?
Answer: Look within
3. The scientific approach- test it
On a daily basis I utilize each approach to “purpose”- Quite frankly the human quest for purpose never ends. If I wake up tomorrow and a booming voice accompanied with bright lights and clouds bursts out of my closet saying “Casey, Casey, your purpose is to go Cambodia and give starving babies diapers” I would go hand out diapers, come back, and then what? Exactly! Then what? In my opinion “purpose” as with every aspect of life changes. Today, my purpose “take each moment as a special precious gift, if I want to sky dive–I jump, If I want to dance in front of the bedroom mirror in my underwear—I dance.
Life remains an adventure, constantly changing, a new gray hair reminds me I better get moving!
In a nutshell my purpose “Do not Fear”
On Money–
I am a full time bar tender and part time military–By no means am I rolling in the dough! By no means am I struggling. I work hard and still make time to look within. My purpose “Do not Fear”
On Business–
Whoa! I create a little revenue from an e-store. I have a five year plan—
Enough said “Do not Fear”
On Relationships–
Does that person make me Better or Worse?
To be blunt–Who cares?
Most of my evenings are spent in one connection or another. Every single bar patron I come into contact with feels like a VIP. This makes them feel better. Unfortunately, every single bar patron I come into contact with never has an empty drink. That makes them worse.
–Do I make them a better person? For a moment that patron is on top of the VIP world–moments later the same patron could be falling off the bar stool. (FYI–I always call them a cab
Point–No one can make me better–No one can make me worse
I am the only person that can make me better—I am the only person that can make me worse I refuse to give anyone else that kind of power.
Sure–I am capable of being hurt I am human, but even with that I have learned to move. I move through it and move on.
Sure– I am capable of getting a boost of self esteem from another person and even with that I have learned to move. I move through it and move on. Have I always been like this–
No,
I have learned “Fear is the Mind Killer” and life is so much sweeter without it.
Adam,
Is it possible to move in a straight line at fast speeds and spiral at the same time?
(Geom.) A plane curve, not re["e]entrant, described by a
point, called the generatrix, moving along a straight line
according to a mathematical law, while the line is
revolving about a fixed point called the pole. Cf.
Helix.
YES.
“Fear is the mind killer” (Children of the Dune, 2003)
Damn man, that was intense. I’m gonna relay a parable I first encountered in a book called “Tuesdays with Morrie.”
A little wave was bobbing along in the ocean, having a grand old time. He’s enjoying the wind and the fresh air–until he notices the other waves in front of him, crashing against the shore.
“My God, this is terrible,” the wave says. “Look what’s going to happen to me!”
Then along comes another wave. It sees the first wave, looking grim, and it says to him, “Why do you look so sad?”
The first wave says, “You don’t understand! We’re all going to crash! All of us waves are going to be nothing! Isn’t this terrible?”
The second wave says, “No, YOU don’t understand. You’re not a wave, you’re part of the ocean.
You never put your training methods into any kind of a box. So don’t put what you think “purpose” is into any kind of a box, either.
I can understand what you’re going through, because I was going through the same last year. I can’t offer a solid solution, but I can tell you what helped me and the advise I’ve given to friends who have similar issues. I was at a point where I literally had a death grip on every facet of my life. My personality tells me that this control created a state of comfort in my life, but my outward situation said differently. My life was becoming like water; the hard I gripped it, the more it slipped through my fingers. The solution took more dedication than I have ever used in my life. I know you’re not religious, and you are skeptical about philosophy, but here is what I found. I can’t remember why this stuck with me or where I found the quote. But, it said our lives are like water; if we grip it too hard, it slips through our fingers. Hold it too light, the same happens. You have to find a balance between the two. So in the end, the hardest part was staying focused while letting go. It’s as hard as controlling breathing, but with discipline, it made all the difference in the world.
Good luck bro!
I agree with Dave – emotional nuke you just dropped there…. Your candor sets you apart from many.
My greatest fear is somewhat similar. The one thing I fear the greatest is losing my ability to feel.
If I can’t laugh, cry, rejoice, have enthusiasm, experience empathy, and be able to feel, there isn’t much that separates me from a mangy animal. And that scares the $#@! outta me!!!
Thank you for sharing! I’ll be one of the first to read the followup.
I wish I could come up with something useful to say… I guess I just want you to know that I read your post and wish you the best. We all do!
A friend of mine once said that in order to be happy we must be pissed off sometimes.
Not that we’d ever wish for bad things to happen, but I think she’s right.
Adam T. Glass, I thank you for everything you’ve done and wish you the best!
not only am i a better since meeting you, everyone around me as well. this will pass adam.
Adam,
You’re going through a shit load of life changes all at once bro. It is damn hard to handle all the things you are experiencing over the course of a lifetime, let alone all at once.
I like what the first gent said about structure bro. If you can work additional structure back into your life I think you will feel somewhat better. That would be a good place to start anyway, it seems.
I wish you the best no matter what.
Let me know if I can be of any help.
Jedd
Jedd, I bet he would feel better if you would let him have your pinch record!
Honest to god laugh out loud at that one.
I grok you pain, Adam. I too am dealing with some heavy shit right now.
I’m making plans to go to med school and become a doctor, but making this decision wasn’t easy.
I didn’t study science as college; I was a theatre major. I studied acting and make-up and how to make movies. I spent a fuck-ton (yes, a technical term) of cash on learning how to be a damn good actor and that was what I was “supposed” to be doing with my life.
I was “supposed” to be going on auditions, and I was “supposed” to be acting in plays…
But you know what? My heart was just not in the game. I just don’t have the passion for it like I used to. My passion is in health and fitness, and I want to make people better. And I believe I can do that best as a physician.
It took me a long time to finally accept that it was okay for me to switch careers; that it didn’t mean I failed; that no one would think less of me.
For a long time I was lost in my own thoughts, struggling to redefine my identity and how I fit into the world. I still don’t know what I’m doing, but at least now I have a Next Right Action: apply to schools and take the MCAT.
I support you, Adam, and whatever decisions you make!
“Why am I here and What am I supposed to do?”
It is a good question. Though your categorizations of the paths to answering this question is unnecessarily limited and compartmentalized. The historical origins of science was the driving wish to study and wonder at “God’s” creation and the current cutting edge of science is building astounding evidence for the existence of “God”. Further, science is underpinned by a great deal of philosophy such as regarding the acquisition of knowledge about the world.
I say “God” because it is such a loaded word. I don’t use the word “God” to mean some sort of all seeing super-being on a throne in the sky. I mean something much more like what physicist Ervin Laszlo (nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 2004 and 2005) is describing when he talks about the zero-point field as the fundamental underlying basis for reality. Laszlo understands the zero-point field to be the basis for the entire realm of manifest phenomena, including mass, energy, and information. The zero-point field also stores information and according to Laszlo may very well be accessible by human consciousness non-sensorially.
Bernard Haisch is an astrophysicist, author of over 130 scientific papers, was the scientific editor of the Astrophysical Journal for nine years, and editor in chief of the Journal of Scientific Exploration. In his book The God Theory he writes:
“If you think of white light as a metaphor of infinite, formless potential, the colors on a slide or frame of film become a structured reality grounded in the polarity that comes about through intelligent subtraction from that absolute formless potential. It results from the limitation of the unlimited. I contend that this metaphor provides a comprehensive theory for the creation of a manifest reality (our universe) from the selective limitation of infinite potential (God).
If there exists an absolute realm that consists of infinite potential out of which a created realm of polarity emerges, is there any sensible reason not to call this “God”? Or to put it frankly, if the Absolute is not God, what is? For our purposes here I will identify the Absolute with God. More precisely, I will call the Absolute the Godhead. Applying this new terminology to the optics analogy, we can conclude that our physical universe comes about when the Godhead selectively limits itself, taking on the role of Creator and manifesting a realm of space and time and, within that realm, filtering out some of its own infinite potential.
Viewed this way, the process of creation is the exact opposite of making something out of nothing, It is, on the contrary, a filtering process that makes something out of everything. Creation is not capricious or random addition; it is intelligent and selective subtraction. The implications of this are profound. If the Absolute is the Godhead, and if creation is the process by which the Godhead filters out pars of its own infinite potential to manifest a physical reality that supports experience, then the stuff that is left over, the residue of this process, is our physical universe, and ourselves included. We are nothing less than a part of that Godhead – quite literally.”
Richard Conn Henry, a Professor in Physics and Astronomy at John Hopkins University, in a review of Bernie Haisch’s book The God Theory for The Journal of Scientific Discovery said the statement that “it is not matter that creates an illusion of consciousness, but consciousness that creates an illusion of matter” perfectly encapsulating his own understanding.
Professor Henry goes on to state that this is correct physics: it is not controversial in the slightest degree that there is no reality; this has been demonstrated in both theory and experiment. Here Professor Henry refers to Groblacher et al. (2007) whose paper “An experimental test of non-local realism” appeared in the journal Nature (vol. 446), concluding that the concept of ‘realism’ (a viewpoint according to which an external reality exists independent of observation – that is, (to me) independent of consciousness) is untenable.
So what is the point of all this?
The point is this – We all should periodically check ourselves for old and worn out ideas and beliefs that we have about the world and the nature of existence that are serving us poorly in that they are causing us to feel fear, depression and unhappiness.
Stephen
What a convoluted way to avoid either accepting that there is a God or rejecting the idea. Science doesn’t help when you’re in the hole (or in the trenches) – that’s not what its for.
My suggestions-
1) Step outside of yourself….sometimes paying attention to others is a nice distraction from personal turmoil.
2) Re-conect with people who have known you the longest. Sometimes they have the best insights you need to hear.
3) Forgive yourself for personal fallacies.
4) Try something new….Novelty is a great booster.
Are you familiar with the works of Henry Rollins? He’s like you, but socially maladjusted and verbose. He has a lot of comedy spoken word DVDs and CDs (or whatever they call the electron versions of that stuff now, lol…) He’s always inspiring.
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