Man Skills: How to Hunt a T-Rex

by adam on July 22, 2010

Hunting is pretty bad ass

 

BUT– deers, squirrels, and pigs will not cut it for my taste. I feel a need for something more interesting. Lions, bears, and tigers are all on endangered species lists plus modern weapons have made the hunt much less interesting. I need something bigger.

The most logical choice is of course, the mighty T Rex. The largest, most dangerous land predator to exist in 70 million years.

I have been pondering this one for awhile. Hunting a T Rex has been on my mind since I was a kid playing “Turok” which set the concept: provided enough firepower you could kick a Tyrannosaurus’s ass. One man, the right weapons, a solid plan. I have unlocked the code. Walk with me.

Things I have learned about the T Rex

1) They are thought to have poor eye sight. Most likely the other dinosaurs picked on T Rex for his near sighted vision and thick glasses as a kid. He may have had at least one embarrassing moment where he was unable to read a math problem from his seat in the room. The event left him crushed and ackward in any situation involving numbers.

2) They have very short arms, which are not very useful to manipulate objects. Most T rexs struggled to open objects such as pickle jars and nail polish remover. The shame of never enjoying a sweet dill pickle drove them mad and often resulted in terrible out bursts of anger. I believe an open pickle jar could lure a Rex in close for the first engagement. The idea of a pickle is now so firmly ingrained in the Rex that it would be irresistible.

3) They are really fast. T Rex could run an estimated 40 miles an hour, I don’t run 40 miles in a year. There was a documentary on Discovery channel one time where a guy tried to run from a Ford Explorer and the T Rex fucked him up pretty bad. I find myself at a loss for the name of the show…

Don't Run! He is faster than YOU!

 

4) They most likely had a strong sense of smell. I am still debating if switching body wash would be the best idea before hand. Old Spice seems to be a winner…but I am not certain yet.

5) They hate to be shot with grenade launchers, nukes, and exploding arrows from a Tech-Bow (learned this from Turok)

6) With a 40 ft long body, and an estimated 25,000 pound body, I would need a big ass truck to get the body out of where ever I track it to. I want the Rex skull, which would be well over 1,000lbs. I don’t think a 4 wheeler would work for that project…

The Plan

#1 Locate a T Rex. This one is a bit of a problem.

  • Option A there maybe a T Rex living in Africa, but with each pass of a satellite geo-mapping the earth this hope dies a little bit.
  • Option B is find a lost world island like where they found King Kong.
  • Option C is Journey to the Center of the earth, where T Rex thrives. That one has a lot of supply issues.
  • Option D is clone a T Rex.

Not certain how I will iron out this problem. I will figure it out later…

2) Set the stage. I need an area which is 4 miles long, by 1 mile wide, which funnels down to an area roughly 500 ft wide with a lot of natural cover. There needs to be high walls which will channelize the Rex down to the kill zone and not allow it to exit. There will be an assistance at the end of the funnel who will drop a barrier down once the rex is in the final area.

3) The bait. I plan on using 5 horses, three will be lame, two will be fast. One lame horse is stacked in the front of the funnel, another is down the way one mile. The third is at the end of the kill zone. The two fast horses will be at the front of the funnel. Once the Rex enters the funnel, it will see the lame bait, and want to chase the faster ones which lead him down the path. After eating 5 horses, he should be happy and calmer. As a bonus, we could smear LSD all over the horses and the Rex could have a really serious trip as he hits the kill zone. He may stop to argue with the clouds in the sky, or tell the damn sea turtles to shut the hell up.

4) The Hardware.

  • One multi-shot grenade launcher with 40mm HE/DP rounds. I will need 6 rounds.
  • One M-107 .50 caliber rifle with 6 rounds.
  • 4 flash bang grenades
  • A chain saw, just in case.

5) Execution

  • Rex comes within 500m, aim for hip joint and knee structure with .50, goal is to knock out the Rexs speed and reduce chances of it giving flight.
  • Close in to Rex within 200m, Take heart shot.
  • If .50 does not kill the rex, close under 100m under cover and use 40mm round. Do not hit the head.
  • When Rex goes down, use chain saw and remove the skull (for my couch), tender loin (for the BBQ), and penis (to sell to the Chinese which they will use for soup)

Problems

Most obvious flaw is the Rex could eat me.

Is this how it ends?

 

That of course, is what makes the idea exciting. Most people die in very lame ways- car crashes, cancer, heart attack. How many people can say they know someone who was ate by a fucking dinosaur? You would instantly be cooler just by having read this website. So that is a big problem with hunting a T Rex, but at least I could pull a positive out of it.

Besides, being chomped by a t Rex has to be better than rotting away by time and watching all your friends pass first.

The second big problem is that if a T Rex was found, some tree hugging hippie group would protest and try to get it protected on the endangered species list. I would end up having to break the law on that one, because I am certain the Chinese would pay great money for T Rex penis soup. Look what they do to the tigers over there! If ztiger penis soup is the meal of the day for rich business men, I bet they would go ape shit for some Rex dong wong ton

Third major problem would be locating a skilled guy to mount the T Rex skull properly. I want a couch fashioned from the skull, So that when you are sitting on it, the jaws are on top and bottom. Awesome is it not? If you know someone who can do that, forward me their email just so I have it handy.

It Can Work!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, hunting a T Rex could work. Pretty much the ultimate man skill. This is my goal.

Where to start- train smarter.

You will need to be top shape. You must be ready to move around with a lot of equipment, in a hot climate (T Rex hates the winter, he often vacations in Flordia when the snow falls) and you will need to be able to haul equipment around.

You need to get some cardio and strength training.

You will need to get a grip, start with plate curls and some COC grippers.

You will need a way to avoid over training, Gym Movement will get you to top condition without putting you in to a bind.

Do these things, and you will be ready to join me for the hunt. I figure a 4-6 man crew would be perfect for this. T Rex meat is really good in pastas and served as rare steaks. I made up that last part.

Tread Carefully as I lay my Dreams at Your Feet

-ATG

P.S. have you downloaded my new Ebook? It’s free to you, look on the right hand side of the page. You will love it.

{ 13 comments }

Kris Wragg July 22, 2010 at 3:00 am

If you can find a T-Rex then I would happily join you in the hunt :)

I would think you could make a freekin awesome jungle gym out of the bones. Hell I’m sure a T-Rex thigh bone is about 10 ft??

Joschka July 22, 2010 at 3:48 am

One of the greatest blogs ever!

I’m normally not much of a hunter, but I’m good at running, climbing and jumping and would love to launch a (likely suicide) attack on the neck of the T-Rex with a good old fashion sword. So if you need some more distraction shot me an email ;-)

Ryan J Pitts July 22, 2010 at 9:42 am

Sweet! Hunted pheseants once. Not much danger involved. T-Rex on the other hand, use bones to make jungle gym for kids, I’d be the bomb. While luring the T-rex to danger zone, lets not forget the mud to smear on us so near sighted T-Rex couldn’t distinguish us from mud. T-Rex weiner soup, probably more expensive per ounce than gold!

adam July 22, 2010 at 11:13 am

Ryan, if we could go duck hunting with Dick Chaney that could be dangerous. Easy way to get shot in the face.

Tomas July 22, 2010 at 10:36 am

Oh boy, Turok: Dinosaur Hunter is one of the most memorable shoot ‘em up games on N64. It sounded so cool when Tal’ Set is revived after dying, spins around a few times up in the air, lands on the ground and states with determination: “I’m the Turok!”

When I was a kid, I once saw a nightmare about T-Rex eating my mother. It was horrible! This was a funny post, Adam. Ever thought about doing stand-up comedy?

Kathi July 22, 2010 at 11:17 am

Adam –

I appreciate the plan…and will keep my eyes peeled for a T-Rex – - however, I think you underestimated the skull weight – I would gestimate more around 2500 lbs or more. Your choice of firepower seems to be appropriate – did you find any information on the T-Rex hide or skin thickness? This might be a problem with the 1,000-yard shot – we might have to be closer.

The only real problem is the tree hugging hippies…I think that we can hire Eric Cartman to exterminate those dang hippies.

Kathi

adam July 22, 2010 at 11:39 am

Kathi, Barrett .50 rounds can penetrate 28mm of armor, if that fails I will be fucked. I am thinking hitting a massive animal from 500m should be easy, we can bring a giant bear trap to pin it down, Ryan Pitts can build any thing.

david July 22, 2010 at 12:56 pm

This is an even better plan than Radiant Dawn.

mike sheehan July 22, 2010 at 9:11 pm

hi fuck it chase him down to the bayou in the gulf coast he cap the oil well with his mouth eat all the shrimp shit them out and make one of those square fish mcdonalds sells i mean do you know how hard it is to find a square fish in oil, mcdonalds has not served over 1 billion people because there food is not made of the best ingredients, how bad can if it gets real bad we can send all the contestants from the biggest looser in they will eat the t rex then that eddie fitness coach. sorry if that made no sense it cracked me up and that key

Casey July 23, 2010 at 2:27 pm

Adam I’d follow you into hell wearing nothing but a pair of caestus and my skivvies, especially if that hell had T-Rexes.

Fantastic post and you ought to check out the Monster Hunter series. Steep initial learning curve since the game really takes into account you are a human hunting big ass gnarly monsters. Once you get it down it’s some of the most fun you can have with games imo.

Brad Johnson July 26, 2010 at 8:28 am

I will say only this:

I’m in.

Steve Thompson July 27, 2010 at 9:51 pm

Adam,
The name of the show was Jurassic Park.

adam July 27, 2010 at 10:26 pm

Yeah but he allowed a hippie to fuck his hunt up. i would have plugged them and let them to rot for the raptors. And my plan is superior

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