Man Skills: How to Hunt a T-Rex

by adam on July 22, 2010

Hunting is pretty bad ass

 

BUT– deers, squirrels, and pigs will not cut it for my taste. I feel a need for something more interesting. Lions, bears, and tigers are all on endangered species lists plus modern weapons have made the hunt much less interesting. I need something bigger.

The most logical choice is of course, the mighty T Rex. The largest, most dangerous land predator to exist in 70 million years.

I have been pondering this one for awhile. Hunting a T Rex has been on my mind since I was a kid playing “Turok” which set the concept: provided enough firepower you could kick a Tyrannosaurus’s ass. One man, the right weapons, a solid plan. I have unlocked the code. Walk with me.

Things I have learned about the T Rex

1) They are thought to have poor eye sight. Most likely the other dinosaurs picked on T Rex for his near sighted vision and thick glasses as a kid. He may have had at least one embarrassing moment where he was unable to read a math problem from his seat in the room. The event left him crushed and ackward in any situation involving numbers.

2) They have very short arms, which are not very useful to manipulate objects. Most T rexs struggled to open objects such as pickle jars and nail polish remover. The shame of never enjoying a sweet dill pickle drove them mad and often resulted in terrible out bursts of anger. I believe an open pickle jar could lure a Rex in close for the first engagement. The idea of a pickle is now so firmly ingrained in the Rex that it would be irresistible.

3) They are really fast. T Rex could run an estimated 40 miles an hour, I don’t run 40 miles in a year. There was a documentary on Discovery channel one time where a guy tried to run from a Ford Explorer and the T Rex fucked him up pretty bad. I find myself at a loss for the name of the show…

Don't Run! He is faster than YOU!

 

4) They most likely had a strong sense of smell. I am still debating if switching body wash would be the best idea before hand. Old Spice seems to be a winner…but I am not certain yet.

5) They hate to be shot with grenade launchers, nukes, and exploding arrows from a Tech-Bow (learned this from Turok)

6) With a 40 ft long body, and an estimated 25,000 pound body, I would need a big ass truck to get the body out of where ever I track it to. I want the Rex skull, which would be well over 1,000lbs. I don’t think a 4 wheeler would work for that project…

The Plan

#1 Locate a T Rex. This one is a bit of a problem.

  • Option A there maybe a T Rex living in Africa, but with each pass of a satellite geo-mapping the earth this hope dies a little bit.
  • Option B is find a lost world island like where they found King Kong.
  • Option C is Journey to the Center of the earth, where T Rex thrives. That one has a lot of supply issues.
  • Option D is clone a T Rex.

Not certain how I will iron out this problem. I will figure it out later…

2) Set the stage. I need an area which is 4 miles long, by 1 mile wide, which funnels down to an area roughly 500 ft wide with a lot of natural cover. There needs to be high walls which will channelize the Rex down to the kill zone and not allow it to exit. There will be an assistance at the end of the funnel who will drop a barrier down once the rex is in the final area.

3) The bait. I plan on using 5 horses, three will be lame, two will be fast. One lame horse is stacked in the front of the funnel, another is down the way one mile. The third is at the end of the kill zone. The two fast horses will be at the front of the funnel. Once the Rex enters the funnel, it will see the lame bait, and want to chase the faster ones which lead him down the path. After eating 5 horses, he should be happy and calmer. As a bonus, we could smear LSD all over the horses and the Rex could have a really serious trip as he hits the kill zone. He may stop to argue with the clouds in the sky, or tell the damn sea turtles to shut the hell up.

4) The Hardware.

  • One multi-shot grenade launcher with 40mm HE/DP rounds. I will need 6 rounds.
  • One M-107 .50 caliber rifle with 6 rounds.
  • 4 flash bang grenades
  • A chain saw, just in case.

5) Execution

  • Rex comes within 500m, aim for hip joint and knee structure with .50, goal is to knock out the Rexs speed and reduce chances of it giving flight.
  • Close in to Rex within 200m, Take heart shot.
  • If .50 does not kill the rex, close under 100m under cover and use 40mm round. Do not hit the head.
  • When Rex goes down, use chain saw and remove the skull (for my couch), tender loin (for the BBQ), and penis (to sell to the Chinese which they will use for soup)

Problems

Most obvious flaw is the Rex could eat me.

Is this how it ends?

 

That of course, is what makes the idea exciting. Most people die in very lame ways- car crashes, cancer, heart attack. How many people can say they know someone who was ate by a fucking dinosaur? You would instantly be cooler just by having read this website. So that is a big problem with hunting a T Rex, but at least I could pull a positive out of it.

Besides, being chomped by a t Rex has to be better than rotting away by time and watching all your friends pass first.

The second big problem is that if a T Rex was found, some tree hugging hippie group would protest and try to get it protected on the endangered species list. I would end up having to break the law on that one, because I am certain the Chinese would pay great money for T Rex penis soup. Look what they do to the tigers over there! If ztiger penis soup is the meal of the day for rich business men, I bet they would go ape shit for some Rex dong wong ton

Third major problem would be locating a skilled guy to mount the T Rex skull properly. I want a couch fashioned from the skull, So that when you are sitting on it, the jaws are on top and bottom. Awesome is it not? If you know someone who can do that, forward me their email just so I have it handy.

It Can Work!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, hunting a T Rex could work. Pretty much the ultimate man skill. This is my goal.

Where to start- train smarter.

You will need to be top shape. You must be ready to move around with a lot of equipment, in a hot climate (T Rex hates the winter, he often vacations in Flordia when the snow falls) and you will need to be able to haul equipment around.

You need to get some cardio and strength training.

You will need to get a grip, start with plate curls and some COC grippers.

You will need a way to avoid over training, Gym Movement will get you to top condition without putting you in to a bind.

Do these things, and you will be ready to join me for the hunt. I figure a 4-6 man crew would be perfect for this. T Rex meat is real