Dumb Shit: Tattoos

by adam on June 17, 2010

I REALLY like that tattoo

Really like it? What the fuck does that mean? Are you going to run off and get one now?

Tattoos- scars with ink in them. Not exactly a smart person move.

I have a lot of tattoos. Every time I get a new one (last one was in…Nov 09 I think) I say no more. About 9-12 months later I get a new one.

I am going to answer some popular questions on tattoos

Did that hurt?”

Well, this is a question only a person who has no tattoo would ask. If you are so fucking curious on how they feel go get one. I will throw you a hint. A guy takes a needle and hooks it up to a repeating motor, dips it in ink, and drags the needle across your skin. It cuts down to the mid layer of skin and leaves ink in the wound. Obviously pain is not a factor here for me considering how many times I have decided to do that…

What does it mean?”

Oh boy here we go. Tattoos don’t mean shit. If you have a tattoo and you think it means something- fine. You are telling yourself it means something. When I look at your tattoo I don’t know what the fuck it means.

A stop sign means something. I get that one when I see it. Your eagle humping a unicorn in a popcorn factor message goes right over my head. In the event I have a moment of stupidity and ask you what is that, I am always confused by how that is a reminder of your grand uncles best friends cousin who changed tired at the very first tires plus. Wow.

Globally they don’t mean anything other than “This person had more cash than sense, and decided to have a convict looking mother fucker rake their flesh with a needle for several hours. Best part is they than paid for that treatment”

Naturally this answer always leaves them confounded. I get it. Everyone else has lied to you about tattoos, so you are surprised I didn’t give you a 30 minute talk justifying why I have colored lines on my body.

Tattoos don’t mean shit.

My first tattoo is the bio-hazard marked on my left forearm. I got it when I was in high school. I thought it was cool, that is about how far I was thinking. Everyone wants to know what it symbolizes- dude I walked in and pointed at it. Yup, made a lot of sense than. In many ways I still think that was the best move on my part.

Most recent tattoo was a shit load of text written down my left arm. Got it less than a year ago. What does that mean? Still not as smart as I think I am.

Was that expensive?”

Well this one confuses me. Is that a personal thing where you walk around pricing all the shit you see, or does my work look so fabulous that you are misled to believing it cost me a lean on my house? Who cares what the answer is?

Now being the experimental mother fucker I am, I always tell a new price to gauge reactions. I told a guy my forearm sleeve costs 5,000 dollars, and he said “thats about right”

What is about right? He naturally just nodded. Ah you sir are an idiot. 5K is about right, what if it was 4,950?

Another time I quoted the true price, and the guy starts asking me 20 more fucking questions

Well where did you get it done? What was the guys name? Was his studio clean? How long did it take? What music was in the background?

This peaks my interest, and I ask “Are you planning on getting one?”

I typically do not hold up well here. I can only talk about this subject for 45-60 seconds before I completely lose interest in it. But the best part is how it always ends the same

“No, but I like to know what it would cost”

Thanks dude bra, cuz I just have infinite time and certainly the best course of action is I facilitate your desire to window shop body art.

Well thanks Adam, If I ever go there I will look up the studio

WHY? What the fuck have I done to convince you to fly to Okinawa to get a line drawn on your arm? No one else goes to Detroit Michigan for anything…but you are planning a trip there to get a new scar? Holy shit I must be a convincing guy to get such a consistent response.

Why did you get THAT there?”

Well shit, is there any right answer here? Where would you have gotten this tattoo? Oh you wouldn’t have gotten it all? Well shit looks like we already ran out of room here on this topic…

Why that color?”

Because to an 18 year old that looks cool…

Would you remove them if you could?”

See now this one is goofy too, because I can have them removed. The smart way to remove a tattoo involves a doctor, a laser, and a lot of money. The fast way involves a hot iron and a big swig of courage. Either way taking them off is always on the table.

So no asshole, I am not going to remove them.

What do you think I should get?”

Only a truly insane person would ask me this, or someone who doesn’t know me very well.

What do I think you should get? Only tattoos that look cool. Duh. Everyone else will tell you it is dumb, so make sure you think it’s cool. The best part is you don’t have to worry if you will think its cool later…it will still be there to remind you it’s cool.

I think they are sexy

I hear women say this all the time- tattoos are sexy.

Why is this?

Is it the scar? I saw a guy in costco last week whose lip was gone (maybe chewing tobacco?) and his scar was pretty bad ass, but not sexy looking

Oh tattoos are part of the bad boy image

Now I say fuck that. The real bad boy image is like a 10 year stint in prison (may or maynot have tattoos to accompany criminal record)

So tattoos do not make us bad boys, not compared to like…armed robbery or arson or something like that. That shit makes you a bad boy.

Well, What will it look like when your 80?”

This question is a consistent one. You’re making some assumptions that don’t serve you well.

As an American male who enjoys red meat, drinks alcohol, smokes, likes to drive fast, dreams of being a crab fisherman (or cocaine baron) and hates going to doctors office…80 is not looking too likely.

Even more so, what makes you think I would give a rats ass about anything in the event I made it to 80? If the only thing to look forward to is watching my friends die one by one, and pooping my pants, I suppose I will think my tattoos are pretty fucking cool. just like when I was 18.

5 tattoos that look especially terrible

Tramp Stamps, always look bad. There is not even one on this planet that looks acceptable. If you have a daughter, please talk her down on this. Dude if you have a wife or girl friend thinking of this, talk them down. It will be at least 20 years before we get to confirm this, but I think 60-80 year old women with tramp stamps will be epically terrible.

Your High School Football number. I know, I know. High School Football was pretty much the high light of your life. Some how you got the rotten luck of 50 more years of life attached to the end of the senior year season. When I see you with #7 tattooed to your shoulder, I am tricked in to thinking you played college ball or maybe like Canadian league football. Than when you clear up the truth, my laughter is so loud and obnoxious that we both feel shame.

Do me a favor, just don’t do it. That way if we meet we are both spared that awkward moment.

Any music band logo besides the rolling stones. Lips with tongue- that’s a social icon. Anything else is called a bad move. A guy at a bar had a GodSmack sun WITH the name on his shoulder. Hey dude, I liked “Awake” too. They had it in the Navy Seals recruiting advertisement, it was really cool.  Hard to believe you were so inspired that you got it inked on your arm, but that’s coming from a guy with colored lines and shit all over his body.

Your Name. This one gets me every time. Getting your own fucking name tattooed on your body. What is that? Do you often forget, making it essential to have your name in bold old english on your forearm? I am pretty happy with my name, but not so damn impressed with it to tattoo to my body. My name is far cooler than STEVE SMITH across the entire upper back…but hey my base premise is this is not a smart person move so in that light it makes perfect sense.

Oh yeah, and one more piece on the names. If you have a nick name now…well you may not always want that nick name. Keep that in mind while you are flipping through the flash picture book.

Wings on the back. Yup, I get it. Wings, just like an angel. This stupidity is not confined to one gender either…terrible tattoo. Always looks bad. Not tribal sleeve bad, but always looks bad.

Yup that’s about all for now….

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{ 27 comments }

Williams EO June 17, 2010 at 8:25 am

Meat,
If you are liek me, and you hang with the tattooed crowd, there are better discussions of ink than what you have suffered.

For example?

“Who did that work?”

“Did you hang at the pub next door afterward?”

To a lady “Would you like to see the rest of my tattoo collection?”

To a gentleman “I can give you muscles that will look good with that tattoo”

To everyone else “If you ask me about tattoos and can not tell me who the singer for the 1977-83 Misfits was, you should get out of my reach right now”.

W

Amy J June 17, 2010 at 8:48 am

A must read for every 18 year old!

I have to admit, though, you blew my dreams for a tramp stamp. I thought I would celebrate my 39th birthday with one. :P

josh June 17, 2010 at 9:12 am

Amy, I just got a tramp stamp of a corndog on a trapeze. Go with your heart.

Amy J June 17, 2010 at 11:33 am

Did you put your name on your tattoo so you can look at your rump in a mirror to see it?

adam June 17, 2010 at 4:06 pm

Josh that tattoo would budge my stance on tramp stamps but only if you got it and made a point to always show it within three minutes of introducing yourself to new people

josh June 17, 2010 at 4:16 pm

You’ll see it within 3 minutes of me picking you up on July 31 in Salt Lake.

Tomas June 17, 2010 at 10:13 am

I don’t dare take a tattoo- the chance that I’ll regret it and the cost and aftermath of laser surgery make me cringe.

Tramp stamps, you say? In my opinion they can look good depending on the woman, of course…

Mike T Nelson June 17, 2010 at 12:02 pm

Funny stuff Adam!

I have thought about getting a tattoo, but I just can’t get over that whole part about paying someone to create more scars and stuff ink in them. One huge scar is enough for now.

Rock on
Mike T Nelson PhD(c)
http://www.ExtremeHumanPerformance.com

Kris Wragg June 17, 2010 at 12:19 pm

I’m with Mike here, I’ve umm’d and arrr’d over getting a tattoo several times… but there are SO many other things I can spend my cash on that don’t involve pain or looking back in 10 years and going “well that was a stupid idea”.

Now I have my home gym almost done my next mission is to blow an insane amount of cash on a new hi-fi :)

Duane June 17, 2010 at 1:12 pm

to those who say to me “i’m thinking about” getting tattooed, the answer is always the same: “Do NOT.” whenever someone says that crap to me in person, he/she is usually only trying to attach him/herself to whatever “coolness” that person perceives in me simply because i’ve chosen to have my skin decorated in various hues. personally, i couldn’t care less that you are NOT sporting two full sleeves, so i cannot for the life of me figure why you give such a shit about my arms. and, to the small minority of those who say it, somewhat in earnest, and have an intelligent question or two as follow-up, i will politely say “don’t. when you KNOW, then you’ll do it.” Without yearning for my approval, or anyone else’s.

if you ask me why i got a particular piece, the answer is “cuz i thought it looked cool.” sorry, dude, end of story. i know a LOT of heavily tattooed people, and i’ve never seen one blubber on and on in a pool of tears over some fucking tattoo he/she got like those people on those damn tv shows do. i collect art. on my body. i MIGHT have a piece that means something to me, but it won’t mean shit to you, so move along, please.

i’ve been getting tattooed for over 25 years, and i’m not done yet. i don’t regret any of it, not for one second. sure, i’d make some different decisions now regarding what i’ve gotten than i did then, but the permanence is part of the gig. you know that when the needle sinks in. if you’ve got a shred of intelligence, you know change is inevitable, so you won’t get a full backpiece dedicated to the horrible metal band with the ridiculous moniker you’re in at age 19. true story, btw. gawd, i’d love to see that guy today, 15 years down the road.

adam June 17, 2010 at 3:01 pm

Ah like minded people are such a pleasure in this life
Thanks for dropping in.

Dave Sandel June 17, 2010 at 1:29 pm

This post hit home on so many levels. This may get lengthy….

I have tattoos on both shoulders. I purposely don’t tell anyone what they mean. I simply ask, “Does it matter, they both look badass don’t they?” I either then get made fun of or a simple yes response. I’m cool with either.

I have a male friend with a tramp stamp that says “Live. Love. Die.” True story. Epic fucking failure.

I have an old football buddy with his name in old english across his traps like you said. He might be the 3rd biggest dude I know with the worst temper, but I never hesitate to give him shit.

I have hopes and dreams of finishing off at least one shoulder in a quarter sleeve before my 28th birthday. 2 things have to happen first: 1) Money 2) I need the chest, pack, and gunz to go along with it, bro!

Piers June 18, 2010 at 12:21 am

Dave, I was pretty sure it had hit epic fail point at “male friend with a tramp stamp”, the rest just capped it off. Hilarious.

Mike T Nelson June 17, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Dave,
I know a place that can help you get the chest, pak and gunz! See ya Tuesday

Rock on
Mike T Nelson PhD(c)
http://www.ExtremeHumanPerformance.com

Matt June 17, 2010 at 3:57 pm

A big thing at the moment over here in the UK seems to be people getting their kids names inked on them…as if they’re going to forget???

A girl I know had a stillborn son and she had his name done on the inside of her wrist and I thought that was quite a fitting tribute.

I have a bio-mech half sleeve on my left arm as yet unfinished.

adam June 17, 2010 at 4:03 pm

Oh Christ a dead baby name. So every time someone asks about it they get the painful awkward story of that tragedy. Pass. That sounds like such a wonderful interaction Because I am currently not getting enough weird social interaction.

matt June 17, 2010 at 4:07 pm

I see your point but it’s tiny and very discreet. You’d probably not notice it unless you looked right at it.

It’s just a personal little memorial for her more than anything.

Dave Sandel June 17, 2010 at 5:15 pm

You see, Josh’s is funny because it’s a metaphor for “swinging dick”, and it’s on his back, where probably only his lover could see it. AmIwrong?

josh June 17, 2010 at 5:26 pm

HAHAHAHA. Now that’s funny. Dave, this is me officially handing you the crown. It gets heavy. Do it more justice than I was able to.

Logan June 17, 2010 at 6:33 pm

Reminds me of a story I heard of tour with BLS from Nick Catanese, the other guitarist than Zakk.

At one point in time a guy asked him the pitchfork or the guitar and Nick said pitchfork not knowing what he was talking about. A long time later a guy showed up after a show pointing to his tattoo of Nick holding a pitchfork. You’re not a true rockstar until someone gets you tattooed on them. Now that’s creepy.

On a totally unrelated note I’m going to get a tattoo of Adam bending a horseshoe and drinking a Guinness.

josh June 17, 2010 at 6:48 pm

And I’m going to get a tattoo of you pulling a whale out of the ocean with your hair.

Logan June 17, 2010 at 6:54 pm

Is that going to go above or below the flying corndog? Or maybe the trapeze itself can be connected to my hair.

josh June 17, 2010 at 7:15 pm

It’s going to be on my forehead.

Piers June 18, 2010 at 12:25 am

Adam, this article was too fucking funny and hit on some shit perfectly. Your comic writing just gets better and better.

I have one tattoo. A snake and crane fighting, inside a yin-yang.
At the time, I thought “fuck that looks cool; I like yin-yang theory and the attributes shaolin attached to the 5 animals, perfect”. The dudes at a kung fu school I attended recently all said how cool it was.

Now? I think it means “Piers, you’re not as deep as you think you are and you don’t need a picture to remind you of things that are important to you anyway. Also, you stole it from a Wing Chun school’s website without even asking, bit of a dick move there”.

I still like it though so fuck it, whatever.

Dave Sandel June 18, 2010 at 9:00 am

Now that I think about it, I kind of want to get a neck tattoo just to see how much I can alienate all the old engineers around here. I’m thinking something like this:

http://cdn.buzznet.com/assets/users16/noahrs/default/unicorn-riding-dolphin-tattoo–large-msg-123448442007.jpg

Eventually they’ll have to fire me.

Joe Zubiena June 19, 2010 at 7:01 am

This had me on the floor laughing. Not only because it is true but because I could actually hear your voice saying this! Adam you’ve seen THE tattoo of the year…The earth as seen from Pluto! I’m proud of it!

Al June 30, 2010 at 7:55 pm

The word you were looking for is “piques”.

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