Dumb Shit: Tattoos

by adam on June 17, 2010

I REALLY like that tattoo

Really like it? What the fuck does that mean? Are you going to run off and get one now?

Tattoos- scars with ink in them. Not exactly a smart person move.

I have a lot of tattoos. Every time I get a new one (last one was in…Nov 09 I think) I say no more. About 9-12 months later I get a new one.

I am going to answer some popular questions on tattoos

Did that hurt?”

Well, this is a question only a person who has no tattoo would ask. If you are so fucking curious on how they feel go get one. I will throw you a hint. A guy takes a needle and hooks it up to a repeating motor, dips it in ink, and drags the needle across your skin. It cuts down to the mid layer of skin and leaves ink in the wound. Obviously pain is not a factor here for me considering how many times I have decided to do that…

What does it mean?”

Oh boy here we go. Tattoos don’t mean shit. If you have a tattoo and you think it means something- fine. You are telling yourself it means something. When I look at your tattoo I don’t know what the fuck it means.

A stop sign means something. I get that one when I see it. Your eagle humping a unicorn in a popcorn factor message goes right over my head. In the event I have a moment of stupidity and ask you what is that, I am always confused by how that is a reminder of your grand uncles best friends cousin who changed tired at the very first tires plus. Wow.

Globally they don’t mean anything other than “This person had more cash than sense, and decided to have a convict looking mother fucker rake their flesh with a needle for several hours. Best part is they than paid for that treatment”

Naturally this answer always leaves them confounded. I get it. Everyone else has lied to you about tattoos, so you are surprised I didn’t give you a 30 minute talk justifying why I have colored lines on my body.

Tattoos don’t mean shit.

My first tattoo is the bio-hazard marked on my left forearm. I got it when I was in high school. I thought it was cool, that is about how far I was thinking. Everyone wants to know what it symbolizes- dude I walked in and pointed at it. Yup, made a lot of sense than. In many ways I still think that was the best move on my part.

Most recent tattoo was a shit load of text written down my left arm. Got it less than a year ago. What does that mean? Still not as smart as I think I am.

Was that expensive?”

Well this one confuses me. Is that a personal thing where you walk around pricing all the shit you see, or does my work look so fabulous that you are misled to believing it cost me a lean on my house? Who cares what the answer is?

Now being the experimental mother fucker I am, I always tell a new price to gauge reactions. I told a guy my forearm sleeve costs 5,000 dollars, and he said “thats about right”

What is about right? He naturally just nodded. Ah you sir are an idiot. 5K is about right, what if it was 4,950?

Another time I quoted the true price, and the guy starts asking me 20 more fucking questions

Well where did you get it done? What was the guys name? Was his studio clean? How long did it take? What music was in the background?

This peaks my interest, and I ask “Are you planning on getting one?”

I typically do not hold up well here. I can only talk about this subject for 45-60 seconds before I completely lose interest in it. But the best part is how it always ends the same

“No, but I like to know what it would cost”

Thanks dude bra, cuz I just have infinite time and certainly the best course of action is I facilitate your desire to window shop body art.

Well thanks Adam, If I ever go there I will look up the studio

WHY? What the fuck have I done to convince you to fly to Okinawa to get a line drawn on your arm? No one else goes to Detroit Michigan for anything…but you are planning a trip there to get a new scar? Holy shit I must be a convincing guy to get such a consistent response.

Why did you get THAT there?”

Well shit, is there any right answer here? Where would you have gotten this tattoo? Oh you wouldn’t have gotten it all? Well shit looks like we already ran out of room here on this topic…

Why that color?”

Because to an 18 year old that looks cool…

Would you remove them if you could?”

See now this one is goofy too, because I can have them removed. The smart way to remove a tattoo involves a doctor, a laser, and a lot of money. The fast way involves a hot iron and a big swig of courage. Either way taking them off is always on the table.

So no asshole, I am not going to remove them.

What do you think I should get?”

Only a truly insane person would ask me this, or someone who doesn’t know me very well.

What do I think you should get? Only tattoos that look cool. Duh. Everyone else will tell you it is dumb, so make sure you think it’s cool. The best part is you don’t have to worry if you will think its cool later…it will still be there to remind you it’s cool.

I think they are sexy

I hear women say this all the time- tattoos are sexy.

Why is this?

Is it the scar? I saw a guy in costco last week whose lip was gone (maybe chewing tobacco?) and his scar was pretty bad ass, but not sexy looking

Oh tattoos are part of the bad boy image

Now I say fuck that. The real bad boy image is like a 10 year stint in prison (may or maynot have tattoos to accompany criminal record)

So tattoos do not make us bad boys, not compared to like…armed robbery or arson or something like that. That shit makes you a bad boy.

Well, What will it look like when your 80?”

This question is a consistent one. You’re making some assumptions that don’t serve you well.

As an American male who enjoys red meat, drinks alcohol, smokes, likes to drive fast, dreams of being a crab fisherman (or cocaine baron) and hates going to doctors office…80 is not looking too likely.

Even more so, what makes you think I would give a rats ass about anything in the event I made it to 80? If the only thing to look forward to is watching my friends die one by one, and pooping my pants, I suppose I will think my tattoos are pretty fucking cool. just like when I was 18.

5 tattoos that look especially terrible

Tramp Stamps, always look bad. There is not even one on this planet that looks acceptable. If you have a daughter, please talk her down on this. Dude if you have a wife or girl friend thinking of this, talk them down. It will be at least 20 years before we get to confirm this, but I think 60-80 year old women with tramp stamps will be epically terrible.

Your High School Football number. I know, I know. High School Football was pretty much the high light of your life. Some how you got the rotten luck of 50 more years of life attached to the end of the senior year season. When I see you with #7 tattooed to your shoulder, I am tricked in to thinking you played college ball or maybe like Canadian league football. Than when you clear up the truth, my laughter is so loud and obnoxious that we both feel shame.

Do me a favor, just don’t do it. That way if we meet we are both spared that awkward moment.

Any music band logo besides the rolling stones. Lips with tongue- that’s a social icon. Anything else is called a bad move. A guy at a bar had a GodSmack sun WITH the name on his shoulder. Hey dude, I liked “Awake” too. They had it in the Navy Seals recruiting advertisement, it was really cool.  Hard to believe you were so inspired that you got it inked on your arm, but that’s coming from a guy with colored lines and shit all over his body.

Your Name. This o