Greatest American Villains volume 1

Continuing the epic awesomeness of the lessons learned from 1980′s movies, I want to highlight the greatest villians in American history.

No story can have a hero without a villain, and often the villains actions form the perspective of the value of the hero.

Everyone always focuses on the good guy- so here are some of the bad guys who we owe a beer to (most of them are defeated or have retreated to their lair).

Cobra Commander- Easily the greatest of the great villains.

Key points of the awesomeness of Cobra’s CC

• Majored in French desserts in college, face was hideous scarred after an “incident” with a velvet cake mix. Decided cooking was bullshit and turned to experimental weapons design
• Enjoys attempts of world domination
• Started COBRA which is a private military dedicated to awesome super-secret mission and mischief
• Always has a rocket chair close at hand to escape
• Typically manages to capture a GI Joe, but never kills them. Usually he spends Sunday mornings kicking himself in the ass for this critical error
• listens to Celine Dion
• Posse includes Destro, the Baroness, and a real fucking ninja

Sheriff Teasle- Supreme small-town asshole whose shenanigans end up causing killing machine John Rambo to kick all of the National Guards ass and tear up their shit hole city

Lesson learned:

• Don’t fuck with homeless people. If a drifter is passing through your city and is not stopping to urinate on your patrol car—well you may just want to let him move along
• If you do choose to ignore lesson 1, do not attempt to shave said drifter. This may trigger a flashback which makes them go ape shit, resulting in you and your buddies getting their asses whupped
• Final lesson, and this one is really important. In the event the national guard has to come out and deal with said drifter- You should listen to the Colonel who tells you to just let this one go. Failure to do this will result in epic failure in a major way.

Sensei John Kreese- Head instructor of the Cobra Kai dojo. All you need to know about these guys is found here.

Sergeant Barnes- Killed one of his NCOs, allowed war crimes, failed to give a shit about base defense- but also offered one of the greatest pieces of advice ever. See below

Dark Overlord of the Universe- Big lobster looking thing which tries to Kill Howard the Duck. The only logical conclusion to a movie about a Duck coming to earth from an alternate reality is for said duck to have to fight said lobster thing…of course using a laser.

Burke- this guy is an asshole

Burke works for the Weyland-Yutani company who tricks Ripley and a group of Space Marines in to going to LV-426 on a ruse to rescue colonies on a distress call, but really just wanted to bring back an Alien for research.

• Lied about knowledge of distress signal
• Sent Marines in to fight aliens with poor weapons selection
• Trapped Ripley and Newt in a room with face huggers
• Locked the door on Ripley during alien attack

Overall I believe this presents my case that Burke was a dickhead

ATG

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Tagged as: articles, humor