This is about to get real, and it’s going to be ugly. Writing this piece has been a bit of a therapy for me. This is not for you, it’s for me. So expect more awesome grip and funny shit later this week, I take this as my time…
In the past I have talked about being stuck in bad states.
I also have written about psychological state management.
Now I will talk about fear, depression, and the fail of logic when dealing with these things.
…so for a long time I really did not think I was afraid of anything.
Spiders, snakes, dark woods, shitty ‘hoods, public rest rooms, dirty silver ware, in-coming mortar rounds: these things can be bad, but I do not fear them.
Common sense would tell me I am afraid of something, but I could not locate it.
Well I have recently found out what I am afraid of.
First let’s talk about fear a little bit.
It doesn’t matter what someone fears or why someone is afraid of something, because their perception of it impacts how they act (or react) towards it. To this end we can’t always address fear in a logical way. We try to logic our way around life, but that does not get us through fear every time because fear is tied in to more than thought process. We can say there is the reality of a situation, and there is the reality of your perception of the situation. The second one is vastly more important (to you) compared to the first.
So as I begin to tell you my story, here are the ground rules.
- Yes, I know this does not make sense.
- Yes, I know this should not freak me out.
- Yes, I know it will all “be ok”
- Yes, know these things will work out.
- Yes, I know other people who have gone through these situations, even worse situations. Important to note on this last bullet, just because someone else’s shit is more fucked than yours does not mean you feel better. If that worked I could just watch TV and see how shitty life is in Africa and automatically my life would be sunshine…yeah Africa sucks, yeah I am glad I am not there. Yeah I still think my problems are “real” problems, because they really cause me a problem.
So let’s be clear I have an accurate understanding of the above bullets. I still feel the fear, still feel the depression. I feel my stomach twist inside out. I can’t sleep. My mind is in a haze, but also crystal clear locked in and stuck on a single focus. It’s like looking through a peep hole in a skeleton key lock.
What has happened with this? I have been sliding deeper and deeper in a depression for 6 months. My perception of myself right now: I think I am no fun to be around. I feel I have lost my humor and charm because I rarely laugh. My energy levels are shit day to day. I have gone days without eating. My sleep schedule is a wreck. I lay in bed for hours staring at the ceiling thinking of ways to unfuck this (that’s a technical term by the way) and finally I feel like I have weighed down my friends.
Now, once again we can all logic our way through this. I can sit down and list ten reasons per bullet why this is, and how I can fix it by doing this or doing that. I am certain my friends would logically disagree with some of the above statements.
I have been told by medical experts some of this is associated (they said “caused” which is poor on them) by PTSD. They are looking at me logically. We can all agree most medical professionals are logical people.
I wouldn’t bring up a problem unless I was asking for help, or had a solution.
I don’t want your help, and I believe I have some tools which will help me. In time the tools will be better developed to help you if you need them.
The visible part of this is what I can perceive in myself day to day. I can judge this by my physical self, my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions. Couple all of those items and it currently equals a shit sandwich.
To start I feel like I lost my cool. Cool in both the popular usage of the word, and cool as in keeping one’s shit together under stress.
There are several pieces to cool in my opinion, and several break downs are occurring within these pieces
- Not giving a fuck is cool, as in when a person does things they want to do without worrying about what other people will say/do. The break down is when you stop giving a fuck to the point that you no longer care what happens, or does not happen in your life. I have slipped in to a point where I do not give a fuck and I am making errors, and often I don’t really care either way how it all turns out. This is self destructive behavior. This is the one I want to have turned around the fastest, because there is no way the below items will ever be resolved if I am not willing to make shit happen.
I can logic this problem and say “Fix it” but what comes out does not look like fixing it. Not yet at least. G.I.Joe was wrong-knowing is not half the battle, action is all of the battle. I am used to being an action guided dude. I am used to feeling an intense drive to make shit happen. I do not always pick the correct action, but I am used to making up my mind and doing something.
- Having a sense of humor is cool.
I can’t get my mind back on the funny side of things as of late. I do not think that is cool. Shitty sarcasm is not cool, particularly when it does not serve a purpose. I need less cynical bullshit (from myself) and more of funny business again.
- Not letting things phase you is cool
Lately I have been full of disinterest towards…everything but lifting and problems. I have always said training keeps me sane, and this has proven true. What is not cool is when your mind gets stuck on your problems. It is certainly not cool when a person gets locked on a given problem and will not look away. It’s time for me to look away, if only for a few minutes. Distractions are not the solution either.
I logic my way in to this and think “well then, don’t think about the problems and instead work on solutions” but that hasn’t worked much. Not yet.
- Confidence is cool
As all this shit spirals downward, I do not feel my confidence, and that shit is not cool. Confidence is the bedrock of a performer, a trainer, a marketer, a salesman. It’s literally spilling your own blood to give up your positive state. Logically I can say “You’re too hard on yourself right now, anyone else in your situation would have the same problems” but like I already said comparing how others would do or not do never really brings me to better.
So by now you must wonder, what has you all screwed up?
The following things can be considered my fear, and are all associated to the way I have been feeling and acting
- Purpose (specifically lacking a feeling of purpose)
- Money (specifically a lack of money)
- Business (specifically the direction I should go, associated to #1 and #2)
- Relationships in all spectrum’s (specifically how do I affect people and how do they affect me?)
I will break them down now.
Purpose. Here is a question which has plagued man from the beginning of our highly evolved brain “Why am I here and What am I supposed to do?”
Great question. Man has taken three paths to reach conclusions to this- being Science, Religion, and Philosophy.
I understand the scientific reason, I am not religious (because I am a scientist) and philosophy is just one of those things that is fringe between the other two.
I am trying to figure out what the hell I am supposed to be doing with my life. I guess everyone else is too. I have had times in my life where I felt great purpose, and times when I felt only minor purpose. My current problem is a lack of clear purpose for my here and now. Logically that does not make sense, because I have some problems I should be getting on top of. The issue is associated to not giving a fuck, which acts like lead in my boots when I am acting to fix shit.
I need to find a god damn purpose for my life. Not feeling a purpose leaves me feeling the fear. I hate it.
Technically I have a purpose, I know what I am supposed to do. It is the lack of feeling of purpose.
The logic – build the business, help people, develop my trainers, make my products, break these records, PR everyday
The feeling- Why?
Unacceptable.
Money: Money is a means to an end. Money gives you time and the ability to do things you want to do. Money is not the root of all evil; evil does not exist in my belief systems. Money is associated to some negative behavior in man, but it is also associated to positive shit as well. Making money is not my life goal, but having money must be a part of my life in order to reach my goals.
Not having the money you need is like not having air when you are under water. If you need air it does not matter if you’re one inch under water or 100 feet, you need it and its not there. Money is like that. It does not matter if you owe someone 20 dollars or 20 million dollars- not having it is not having it.
I have made huge changes this year in both my personal and professional life. Prior to this year I never really stressed money, for a lot of reasons. One of the prime associations was being in the service meant I had the shit i needed- food, shelter, medical attention, ect. It was also “relatively easy” to not stress over money when I worked long shifts and loads of hours. Hard to be out spending money when all you do is work and sleep. An automatic paycheck every two weeks no matter what made things simple.
So now, I have to change my game. I know many of you out there are struggling to make ends meet. I am not complaining to you, I am saying I feel what you feel and I know something about your stress. Every person deals with shit differently. I can’t stand to owe someone money. I hate to be late paying a bill. It fucks me up to miss paying something that I knew was due. So I get stressed out when I am accounting my budget and trying to project out several months at a time.
This was all a choice in some ways for me. Many things happened which left me with no choice particularly concerning my Military career. That shit was making me worse. I choose to get out there an learn to build a business, not just run a self employed job but to really build a true business. I knew it would be a challenge. What I did not expect was how I would feel as the problems would come up. This is the part that is interesting. Everyone who builds a business knows you will have some troubles, but no one will know for certain how they will react to the problems until they hit.
I thought this shit would not phase me. I was wrong.
Logically I can say “chill the fuck out. Get a second job (which I did), make more DVDs (which I am doing), train more clients (which I am doing) spend less money (which I am doing) and get it sorted out” yet still I am all fucked up over money right now.
Something valuable I have pulled from this part “Education does not equal understanding” “Understanding does not equal knowing” “knowing is not equal to experience, until you have experienced it to know“
I compare it to childbirth. I “understand” that is a huge life changing experience for a woman. I “know” it hurts. But I will never know (naturally no man does).
Business: I am going to let you in on a secret…lean in closer. I do not like being a personal trainer. Hold on, hear me out.
I like to help people achieve their goals. I like to see people build a better body. I like to resolve pain issues. I like to build peoples confidence. I like to get paid to do these things.
But this is not my best hand I can play. I feel there is some greater calling for me, and not knowing it drives me mad (see issues #1)
I want to clear this up – I don’t think I deserve to be a rockstar or a movie star or some other kind of teen day dream shit. I am saying my mind and skill sets are stacked in way that no matter how good I am here in the fitness industry, this is still not my strongest suite.
I can see myself training people for the next few years, but not for the next 30 or 40. In fact, the idea of chasing the fitness industry as it chases it’s tail for 30 years makes me want to throw up in my mouth.
I WILL provide the most relevant training information. I WILL produce the best DVDs. I want to deliver people the education to reach their goals. At some point I will hit a point where I can honestly say “this is the best I have to offer” and from there it would all be coasting and slow motion. What would I do then? I’m not going to keep updating DVDs and Books every 5 years or try to run a workshop annual schedule just to say afloat, because I want to do more than float. I NEED to swim.
So right now, I do not know. I need to build a business that makes money, that allows me to employ the right people. I need to be able to change things as I see fit within it. I need to drive it. Logically I say “ok asshole, so do that” but I am missing some steps.
Relationships: Possibly one of the most useful questions in the world is this “Does this person make me better or worse?”
- If they make you better, do you make them better?
- If they make you worse, what will you do about that?
I had some people making me a lot worse, they are no longer in my life. Many of these people did not choose to make me worse, but it happened.
I have some people making me better, but I question my impact on them. In the same vein, I would not choose to make them worse. But it could be happening. Right now. If I am not vigilant to my state and my interactions.
Frankie shared a quote with me a long time ago “Not all good people get along, but all great people do”
I find that quote helpful and disturbing. I know a lot of good people, but damn we don’t get along. I only know a few great people, and we are tight.
I am not out meeting great people day to day. I am out meeting people who are no good for me to be around.
Or is it me?
Usually I would say it is everyone else, and naturally I would be right.
Recently however, I believe I am no longer qualified to make that call. Being in a depressed “I don’t give a fuck mode” leaves me out of the bucket to decide who is good and who is not. Specifically do they affect me and how do I affect them?
- Here is what I do not want to happen to other people- I don’t want to make them worse. Simple goal.
- Here is what I do not want others to do to me- don’t make me worse. Simple request.
So this is a problem for me. Not a problem like the money or the purpose, but a problem none the less. I understand how destructive one person can be to another persons state: directly and indirectly. My actions, or in actions can have serious impact on the people who are around me.
So I get the fear as I look at the people around me. Since when do I worry about other people? Since recently, and I do not like it.
Thus far I have made statements and asked questions. And that is where this ends for now. I can’t give you any answers yet because I need the current answers to form new and better questions.
People say some silly shit about me, some people only see my strengths, others only my weakness. They fail to see the connection between my greatest strength and my most vulnerable weakness: I move in straight lines at fast speeds.
Lately, I have felt like I have been moving in slow spirals, and that fucking scares me.
This is part I. In part two I am going to tell you what is helping.
Sometimes the only question a person needs to ask is “Better or Worse?”
I just need better right now, to any degree of intensity.
ATG
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